In the previous post I talked about how some families are so overwhelmed they simply can’t do anything but endure. Complicating their state of being completely overwhelmed is their unwillingness to address the “elephant in the living room” because then they would have to do something about it.

I have discussed this phenomenon with many people and there is always one example I provide that most illustrates this... more

In the last several posts, I have been discussing the dynamics in our families that result in crisis situations. Some of the information has been drawn from Jodee Kulp’s book Families at Risk, and some has been from my own experiences. In this post I’d like to examine why parents are reticent to ask for help.

Sometimes, families simply don’t know how truly pathological their situation has become. In their effort to deal with... more

My long-time friend Pat Johnston left an interesting comment in response to my genetics/environment/choices blogs. She discussed “goodness of fit” and encouraged me to read a newly released book Nurturing the Nature: Understanding and Supporting Your Child's Unique Core Personality by Michael Gurian.

First off,... more

I can’t tell you how much I appreciate all your comments and support about this dilemma. I really do. I have been pondering all day the comment about how I really was just looking for a magic bullet—some solution that would feel good rather than the lesser of two evils. How many times I have dealt with parents who are contemplating disruption and I tell them, “Either way you go, you won’t like your decision!” There just aren't any magic bullets, are there?

At... more

Continuing on with some thoughts on what creates a violent person who has no hesitation when it comes to committing mass murder…

I mentioned previously that the Newsweek article describes mass murderers as consumed with “misery, hatred, resentment and anger.” The article postulated that examining the killer’s childhood would be a reasonable place to start in an effort to discern where all that venom originated.

The theory... more

After writing my last post I read it to my husband. (After all, he was a captive audience, because we were still in the car on the way home from St. Louis!) I asked how I could put into action what I so desired to do… how can I encourage Amy without setting myself up for more disappointment? How could I separate my knowledge of what she was or wasn’t doing with her life with my sadness and disappointment over her choices?

My husband said... more

Often by the time parents finally find the Attachment & Trauma Network, they have been told over and over and over again how they are doing things wrong. If only they would do this, or change that, or fix this, or try that… their child would get better. Few people in the “normal” world seem to grasp the influence an emotionally disturbed child has on the family as a whole.

During my first interactions with a family in crisis, I simply support them and validate their feelings. I let... more

A couple of days ago, this story about a young woman who recently died from cancer was featured on the front page of our local paper, the Kansas City Star.

Here’s yet another story about her…

Although as a parent it was a tough read, I found myself quickly drawn into it. The story is about an 18 year old high school senior, Ally, who recently lost her 4 year... more

One of the hardest parts about parenting these kids is figuring out how to balance hope with realism. If we continue to believe we can change anything if we try hard enough, or that our child will embrace our family if only we did a, b or c… and it doesn’t happen… we lose hope. And losing hope has such finality. But if we hold on to hope and do so in terms of our own expectations, we run a significant risk of being disappointed. And not disappointed once or twice, but over and over... more

While in my previous blog I admonished you to beware the antiquated advice, sometimes the old folks really have it right. Also at my workshop last night was an 85-year-old woman, the mom of one of the foster dads also present. This wise elderly lady approached me after the talk and wanted to discuss a personal situation. Apparently this woman lived next to a dad/stepmom family that included a 14-year-old boy. This boy was apparently already dabbling in crime, handling knives, etc. Stepmom was parenting him the same way she had... more