Continued from here

I also think the definitions of success and the expectations of a relationship vary from person to person. While we can all look at a family where the child is clearly rude, disrespectful and ugly to be around and acknowledge that those parents are not having much fun, it can be tougher to assess a family where things are less overtly out of whack. If an intimacy-fearing child lands in a family... more

Continuing with my thoughts on why some people are reluctant to acknowledge the issues adoptees face…

Not only do I think people in general are reluctant to address negative emotions, I think adoptive parents, who often have suffered the grief and loss associated with infertility, are perhaps even more inclined to want a “Beaver Cleaver” parenting experience.

I was fortunate enough to have two healthy biological children when we started on our adoption journey. When things didn’t work out for me with my fairy tale ideals,... more

Part One

Continuing on with my thoughts on the steel box with a velvet lining…

It is my opinion that when we don’t have reasonable, and yes, perhaps even high expectations of our kids, we are sending messages of incompetence and we are undermining our child’s confidence. I blogged about it before; one post is here.

Our... more

As I lay awake for the umpteenth time in the wee hours of this morning, listening to Gracie holler and bark, I found myself processing my conversation with Deb Hannah yesterday. All my conversations with Deb result in massive processing afterwards. She and I have lived uncannily parallel lives, and it is weird to hear my thoughts and my feelings and my experiences coming out of someone else’s mouth! The thing is, we both know it isn't just us that have had the same experiences.... there are many of you out there, aren't there?

One... more

Nancy Deren’s comment on my previous blog was also quite illuminating. I agree, it must be very difficult for Amy to observe Beth and think “I could have had that too.” And I would be the first to say that different genetics and different choices are what created such a diverse response in my two daughters. This gets me back to the age old chicken-or-egg controversy. There is no way I can adequately describe the Herculean effort I made to get Amy to understand... more

I’ve had some really great comments and private emails about my conditioned responses and negativity towards Amy as described in my last couple of posts… A dear friend and very wise mom sent me these words of wisdom today:

I wonder if her behavior has less to do with entitlement and more to do with her inability to perceive the world as the majority of people do. Her personality is such that she watches the world rather then participates. She wants to fit but despite good modeling, has no clue how to do that.

Amy... more

I am not surprised that my previous post drew some fire. The last sentence read: I am at least as frustrated with my negativity or ambivalence as I am with her apparent lack of change. A reader commented that I needed to “grow up” and that my daughter simply “made a comment”. In some ways, I do agree with the reader… I do need to change my attitude about my daughter’s attitude. That is exactly what I said in my... more

Continuing along the lines of predicting our children’s choices and/or investing indefinitely into their future, Deb Hannah provided a classic example of seeing what lies ahead for our children and yet being powerless to do anything about it. At the risk of “spilling the beans” on her book (you MUST read it!) Deb has had long and arduous interactions with her local juvenile justice system because of some of her kids. She shared with me some of the inner workings of the system… creative and effective... more

Man, I guess I’m not 30 anymore. No duh, Sherlock, right? I hit the wall today and I am just so tired. I hate it when I have no energy and no motivation to do anything productive. I truly can’t imagine what it would be like to live my entire life unmotivated, uncaring and uninvolved. It has always been so difficult for me to have any comprehension of how some of our kids can live their lives in such a flatline state.

One of the many great topics I covered in my conversation with Deb Hannah... more

Today was one of those days when I didn’t stop running from one thing to another. My sick Rottie is feeling sicker thanks to the meds that are supposed to make her feel better. I had a carpet cleaner come today to address the devastation left by a vomiting Rottie (after I spent an obscene amount of time this morning trying to clean up numerous spots myself.) She ralphed again an hour after he left… sigh. We went from 70 degree weather yesterday to gale force winds and high 30’s today, and flash floods last night. I finally got... more