Before I start telling you about the big topic of conversation at the ATTACh conference, I want to share something I observed at church this morning…

We worship at a very large church. Although there were only 400 members when we started attending, there are somewhere around 16,000 now! This growth has occurred over the past 12 years. Anyway, there were lots of people leaving church today around noon. As we headed towards the door, I heard a “squeak, squeak, squeak!” I followed the sound and observed a little girl toddling... more

There have been some awesome answers to my query on the FRUA Board. I must admit, I had a two-fold reason for asking… actually more than two reasons. I really wanted to hear how parents defined “successful attachment” in their homes. I wanted the folks who remain in that denial stage to hear how other people define attachment, as I am often discounted as way too overzealous. (Perhaps I am, but I know what happens when you continue to live in that river called De-Nile.)... more

In addition to asking, “How do you know if your child is attached?” here, I also queried the readers of the FRUA board. There have been some wonderful responses, and I have permission to share a few of them with you. I was going to cut and paste individual comments, but when I started with the first one, the information was so awesome I decided to share it all with you:

The behaviors I don't see with my daughter anymore -- in other words,... more

Every day I speak to or receive emails from parents who are calling for advice or ideas. Sometimes they start off with, “My child is well attached, BUT…” and then they proceed to describe behaviors that are major red flags for me. When parents join ADN’s listserves, they are often confused about what behaviors really are indicative of attachment problems.

I decided it would be an interesting informal experiment to ask you folks what criteria you use to assess your child’s attachment to you. Conversely, what behaviors do you consider... more

I read the FRUA board often. Yesterday on one of ADN’s listserves (not FRUA), a mom (who has an adopted Eastern European child) stated, “I think Russian adoption and RAD are synonymous.” We laughed about the need for an asbestos suit if she posted that on the FRUA site. In all honesty, in the year or 18 months that I have been haunting that board, I have seen some shifting towards a willingness to address... more

Another reader question concerned how does a therapist assess a child’s attachment to new parents, or potential capacity for attachment? If new adoptive parents take their newly arrived child to an attachment therapist, what would the therapist hope to see? A very good question!

In my last post (about kids being stressed when mom leaves the room) I qualified my answer by stating I see nearly everything... more

I’m finally seeing my way clear to start addressing some of the questions that have landed in my mailbox. I’ll start with the first one I received (with apologies for being so slow to the reader who sent in the question, and with appreciation for your patience!)

The question concerned two children adopted over three years ago, who are now ages 6 and 4. Apparently both children... more

I’m sure I angered and offended some folks by suggesting—or perhaps stating—that all adoptees enter into an adoptive relationship with some degree of baggage. Google the “Seven Core Issues of Adoption” and you will find voluminous literature that supports the losses inherent in the institution of adoption. You can’t deny it, you can’t fight it, but it isn’t the end of the world, either. We all have losses of some sort or another. No one said life would be fair.

A child’s genetically programmed disposition has much to do with their response to life’s stressors. A... more

On the FRUA board today, someone asked a very good, very important question. How do you know when your child has attached? What is the goal to which you aspire? How do you measure your success (or lack of it?)

The person who asked the question had adopted an older child a little over a month ago. Certainly, in my mind, the answer depends considerably on the age of the child. As a side note, on one of the adoption.com forums,... more

When I first met Dave and Janet, she was pregnant with their second child. He’s about 10 now, a slightly small in stature, captivating young man named Cole. He was born with a congenital heart condition, and the joyous celebration of his arrival soon gave way to much distress and fear. He was airlifted by helicopter to a hospital several hours away where his particularly unique needs could be addressed. Janet followed by ambulance—groggy, overwhelmed and afraid for her son.

After several surgeries, Cole is doing just fine. He still faces medical interventions, but he has incorporated his rougher-than-normal beginnings into who he is. His older brother and parents have made appropriate... more