Continuing with my interview with Mike O’Connor, author of Crisis, Pursued by Disaster, Followed Closely by Catastrophe: A Memoir of Life on the Run., my next question was:

How do you relate trust and love? How does lack of trust affect a loving relationship?

For me personally, it would kill it. Some relationships are built on lack of trust. For... more

I mentioned in this post how I managed to find a few hours one weekend to read a book. The book I read was Crisis, Pursued by Disaster, Followed Closely by Catastrophe: A Memoir of Life on the Run. I blogged about it shortly after I finished reading it.

Imagine my surprise to receive an email from the... more

As I mentioned at the end of my last post, Dora is struggling with lowering her walls and letting me in. There is an analogy I have heard for many years … apple or onion? If a child is an apple, there’s a core inside, but a peel that has to be breached before the core can be reached. If a child is an onion, it is just layer after layer of the same thing … but nothing at the core. Some folks may be offended at the analogy, but I think it is very accurate. As much as it distresses me to state it, I believe Amy is an onion. I’m not sure what is underneath the shallow... more

Beth asked me last night while we were rocking and cuddling before bed why she had trouble maintaining eye contact sometimes. I started by telling her what my therapist friend told me when we were at the ATTACh conference last week. He and his therapy partner worked several hours with Dora, and we discussed the fact that Beth could use a “tune up.” His assessment was that Beth knew I loved her, but wasn’t sure why she was lovable.

I started our conversation by addressing Beth’s losses and how those losses affect her willingness to risk... more

I am writing this late at night in preparation for dripping it out into cyberspace this morning. We are leaving very early in order to get to Purdue in time for me to clean up a little and then meet and greet my vet school classmates. Of course, I had to pack for me and two girls, so I tossed the packing for the Border collies to my husband! I loaded songs on the new MP3 player I bought Dora (she doesn’t know yet) so she has something to listen to when she and Beth are not watching DVDs or catching up on homework. Not to mention the fact that I am pretty wiped out... more

One of my readers (although she says she’s now an ex-reader) recently posted a comment that I have been mulling over this morning. She said,

“If you read of Amy's history, including her life before Nancy and her genetics, to say that she chooses anything is ridiculous. She says I know what to do I just don't want to do it. Do you hear the FEAR in that statement? Probably not. I do.”

If I am reading this correctly, this statement takes the fatalistic view that we have no free will, but rather... more

There are several conferences that occur every year that I would love to present at, but finances preclude me from doing so. It costs between $500 and $1000 each time I travel somewhere to present, and the ATN budget doesn’t come close to allowing that. One of those conferences is the American Adoption Congress annual conference. I spoke there a few years ago. It is a conference that is supposedly aimed at all three members of the triad, but there are far more birthmoms and adult adoptees... more

One of the conference attendees I met at the NACAC conference was an adult adoptee, not too many years younger than I. I’ll call her Mary. She was a Florida native and her early history unfolded in that same state, in an era when foster parents were not allowed to adopt and even less was known about attachment, bonding and child development. She is currently a GAL, or Guardian ad Litem, working in the child welfare arena.

When she was an infant, she was placed in a foster home that consisted... more

There are some reoccurring themes that appear over and over as I work with families and speak to parents across the country. Sometimes I think I sound like a broken record, but some things bear repeating…

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of providing significant structure for children who have experienced loss and trauma. Think about my horse and zebra analogy. If I look out at my domesticated horses, especially the one I just bought who is so low key and mellow,... more

I had a great conversation the other day with a mom who has a nine-year-old boy adopted from Eastern Europe. This is a mom who works with other families who also adopted from EE. We talked about that pervasive thing—denial—that so many parents experience when it comes to recognizing and/or acknowledging the degree of trauma and attachment issues in their kids. This mom admitted that she and her husband thought her son had attached just fine, but now, at age nine, they are realizing he has many issues.

So how... more