I have quoted Katherine Leslie several times in this blog, including this post where she talks about measuring your child’s positive and negative behaviors on two scales instead of one. So instead of saying, “My child exhibits 60% positive behaviors and 40% negative behaviors” you could actually have a child that gets a six or seven on the negative scale and six or seven on the positive scale. Katherine believes... more

I mentioned in this post about a mom who called me while I was still at the conference. She and her husband have an internationally adopted son who is bringing the family to their knees. Although he hasn’t been home that long, they have already experienced police involvement and many of the other crises and traumas all too familiar to many of you who regularly read this blog.

When their son arrived home, he was small and developmentally... more

I am dead tired tonight after driving over 500 miles today. I am in Tennessee, on my way to visit aging relatives tomorrow. I have my 83 year old mom with me. No dogs, no kids … kinda quiet.

I really appreciated all the feedback and input on the structure post. I’m not sure I made it clear that I view structure much like one reader stated: if you do X, then Y will happen. It isn’t necessarily just about negative actions... more

This post generated several comments, so I thought I would take this opportunity to respond to one of them.

One reader has this to say:

I have to admit I feel the hair on my neck stand up every time you mention structure. I hear strict and military-like. Please define what you mean by structure. My life is as structured as I can make it, but sometimes bedtimes slip or meals are on the fly or... more

As I discussed in my last post, one of the most critical keys to successful therapeutic parenting is to provide the sense of structure and stability that allows your child to relax and leave you in charge. To do this, you can’t be reactive, you must be proactive.

You must always be thinking ahead of your child. You must anticipate how the day will unfold and do your best to circumvent all the potential pitfalls... more

I am stiff, sore and sunburned today after a long, physically exhausting day yesterday. Beth and I headed out early in the morning with the horse trailer in tow and managed to find a place to park it at a local hospital while I had my last physical therapy appointment for my out-of-alignment bones. Then we headed once again to the middle of nowhere Missouri to pick up our new horse. We made good time getting there, BUT … we spent OVER... more

I had a great conversation the other day with a mom who has a nine-year-old boy adopted from Eastern Europe. This is a mom who works with other families who also adopted from EE. We talked about that pervasive thing—denial—that so many parents experience when it comes to recognizing and/or acknowledging the degree of trauma and attachment issues in their kids. This mom admitted that she and her husband thought her son had attached just fine, but now, at age nine, they are realizing he has many issues.

So how... more

For many years after I started ATN, we had a tradition of gathering many of the families together on the Fourth of July and having a picnic at my home, followed by watching our local parade and fireworks. We did this for several years in a row, and when we moved to Illinois, it was one of many, many things I missed. We even came back to Kansas one year and celebrated the holiday with one of the families … the most consistent of our holiday guests.

Last year we were in duplexes and just recovering from a wedding, so I didn’t have a place... more

The adoption forum discussion boards have a couple of threads going about how to institute tougher parenting methods when one has to backpeddle … meaning a child with attachment issues has been in the home for awhile and enjoying more freedom and choices than are healthy to promote bonding and attachment, so mom and dad have to “regroup” and do things differently. This often means removing privileges already held by the child. Most folks are sure... more

I really appreciated Cindy Bodie’s comment in response to my last blog about how much she adores her older children, even though they put her through hell. It reminds me of a conversation I had with Foster Cline a few years ago. I told him how it upset me that I was getting so cynical. He said he completely understood but he... more