In my discussion about my daughter Beth's sneaking candy and lying, I want to make it abundantly clear that the issues here are the sneaking and lying… not an occasional pilfered chocolate Easter egg. This is a pattern that disturbs me and sends some very negative messages. And I need to reiterate this has been occurring, and has been discussed, numerous times in the past… with no change.

Just a few days ago we had a couple of the neighbor kids over after school until their moms could get them. They all picked a snack with... more

Last October I wrote a couple of posts (here and here) about Beth’s problem with lying and my problem with Beth’s problem of lying… Well, we are (or she is) still at it. The second previous post I linked is the story of my last lie as a child... and what it was that had such a profound impact on me that I stopped lying.

Beth was ten last November. When... more

A few days ago, the Kansas City Star ran a story about a public charter school in the northeast section of Kansas City. The principal has "discovered" a unique technique that appears to have improved reading scores and helped the children focus. What is this miraculous approach? Yoga!

The article states the children “flop down on the floor and fold their legs like pretzels.” For a half an hour they “stretch, inhale, exhale and relax.” The... more

I am exhausted tonight after being on my feet and speaking for three hours. I spoke to a group of foster parents in February and they were hungry for more, so tonight was the encore presentation. The presentation was two hours but there were some great questions afterwards.

I continue to be blown away by the misinformation or complete lack of information that still exists in the world of adoption, foster care, and attachment. One dad told me about his brother/sister sib set of foster kids, ages 6 and 7. Apparently... more

My cousin Trina is visiting me this weekend. She arrived accompanied by two of the cutest boys one could lay eyes upon. Her oldest son is 7 years old, and the baby is about 7 months old. The baby is so happy… he so personifies how life is supposed to go for a baby. Rarely have we seen him fuss, and when he does he has a good reason. He settles quickly, because he knows his mom is there for him all the time. Trina does a fabulous job of responding to his cues. She hears his cries when I hear nothing, and I have very acute hearing… so this reminds... more

Part One

Continuing on with my thoughts on the steel box with a velvet lining…

It is my opinion that when we don’t have reasonable, and yes, perhaps even high expectations of our kids, we are sending messages of incompetence and we are undermining our child’s confidence. I blogged about it before; one post is here.

Our... more

Continuing on the discussion about some of the parameters for parenting traumatized kids…one thing I hear often that really, really bothers me is the concept that structure and nurture cannot coexist. Nothing could be further from the truth. Some people who read Nancy Thomas’s literature but do not have the opportunity to see her in person often miss the incredible amount of nurture and caring that exudes from her. I doubt I have met a more caring, compassionate... more

Well, the fur is a’flyin’ over there on the FRUA board. The discussion about potatoes and hot dogs is becoming as hot as the grill on which one could prepare those very same hot dogs…

Apparently my suggestions were interpreted as flat-out punitive, not respectful of the child, and doomed to ignite further control battles. There was even a dig against Nancy Thomas (who I had never mentioned in any capacity) and how my suggestion would likely lead to locking up the refrigerator… Huh? I must be missing something.

The original poster started her question... more

I was still thinking about my presentation to the foster parents last night when I checked the FRUA board this morning… and found a post from a mom who has a newly adopted teen who refuses to eat anything except hot dogs and potatoes. Most of the responses centered on this being a true food aversion… as in, the only thing this boy really likes are hot dogs and potatoes. I suppose that could be true, but it seems to me to be an indicator of a bigger problem…

It is also true that falling into a control battle as “unwinnable” as this... more

Continuing with my previous post about blame and shame and “injecting” self esteem…. Sadly, the fact is that many adoptees take a hit to their self esteem simply because they were adopted. Those of us who did not experience this major life upheaval don’t think about this initially… at least I didn’t. I knew I would love my adopted children; I knew they would be safe in my home; I knew I didn’t create the circumstances... more