I’ve been debating what to write about this week. I have a plethora of articles and books tucked away from which I can draw content. I’m trying to pull out of my brain my favorite therapeutic parenting techniques to share with you. I will do that… stay tuned. But I think my favorite topic to write about on this blog is just a daily dose of “I get it… I know how you feel. You are not alone in this difficult journey.”

I am compelled to do that because that is SO what I needed when I was living every day with tough... more

A reader asked a not-surprising question in response to a recent post. She wanted to know why I didn’t phone Amy when I was hounding Stephanie and Kyle and hugging the heck out of Beth in the aftermath of the Virginia Tech massacre. The answers to that question are sad but simple.

First of all, she’s not in college. (Of course, neither is Beth, but her physical presence made her especially easy to hug!) Amy's world consists of her fast food... more

Continued from here

I also think the definitions of success and the expectations of a relationship vary from person to person. While we can all look at a family where the child is clearly rude, disrespectful and ugly to be around and acknowledge that those parents are not having much fun, it can be tougher to assess a family where things are less overtly out of whack. If an intimacy-fearing child lands in a family... more

Continuing with my thoughts on why some people are reluctant to acknowledge the issues adoptees face…

Not only do I think people in general are reluctant to address negative emotions, I think adoptive parents, who often have suffered the grief and loss associated with infertility, are perhaps even more inclined to want a “Beaver Cleaver” parenting experience.

I was fortunate enough to have two healthy biological children when we started on our adoption journey. When things didn’t work out for me with my fairy tale ideals,... more

This series could go on forever as I respond to reader’s comments, and perhaps even more significantly, because I suspect it will take me forever to personally process this whole “relationship” with Amy.

One reader wanted to know why I thought so many people want to deny that adoptees have some tough issues to face. I think there are several reasons for that…

First and foremost, I think a significant number of people in general go to great lengths to avoid facing tough issues. I have no idea what... more

A reader commented about how more people are speaking out about mental illness in adoptees…how I wasn’t a lone voice any more. It doesn’t give me a warm, fuzzy feeling to be “recognized” as the voice in the wilderness… I’d much rather be known for something more positive. But I guess God had a plan for bringing me the kids He did.

I want it to be clearly understood that I don’t believe mental health issues are unique to adoptees or adoptive families! I believe any family living with a person who has an emotional disturbance... more

This morning as Beth was waiting for the neighbor to pick her up for school, she was hanging out in my office. My blog, and the last picture I posted of Amy, was displayed on my computer. She said, “Who’s that?” When I told her it was Amy she was shocked, and she commented on what a pouty face Amy wore. I scrolled down and displayed the rest of the recent pictures, and Beth asked, “Did Amy ever smile?” I said, “Sometimes, but it was…”

“Fake?” Beth filled in the blank even as I was speaking.

Beth was amazed that Amy would realize I was... more

Another reader questions whether if Amy had been a bio child, would her actions/attitude been diagnosed as a mental illness? The fact is, RAD is a mental illness. It is an emotional and/or brain wiring response to trauma. And there is a huge genetic component to Amy’s response as well. She is, by all accounts, not dissimilar from her birth mother.

And it is also a fact that we treated her mental illness. We tried multiple therapists, multiple medications, multiple other therapeutic interventions. Operating on... more

Starting part four of this series, a reader asks if Amy ever smiled. The answer would be yes, on rare occasions, but they often seemed fake and shallow to the rest of us. And her laugh was often forced or offered up at inappropriate times. I understand she didn’t feel what we feel, didn’t know when to laugh, hadn’t a clue about how to engage emotionally with anyone. I “get it” that she can’t do something she isn’t equipped to do. Talking to Nancy Ashe about how she felt (or more appropriately how she didn’t feel), how she “performed” her... more

Amy could make a control battle out of anything… and she did. She wouldn’t collect all the towels, or make her bed, or put away clothes, or wash herself, or do much of anything anyone asked. You could ignore her, get in her face, or do something in between… no change. She once spent two weeks in her room, during the summer, missing all kinds of activities, for want of doing 15 minutes of family chores. All she had to do was say, “I’d like to be a part of this family and I want to show you by ____________” and then name... more