I’m dead tired tonight after another long, non-stop day. Julie, our foreign exchange student, is doing a PowerPoint presentation at school tomorrow, “All about me”. Beth needed pictures of scenes for something she is doing at school. So I scanned postcards of China and scooted over to the drug store to run prints, and then scanned pictures of Julie for her to use in her presentation as well. Beth rode her pony after school; I grabbed a few groceries, dealt with housepainters and discussed lightening up the paint going on the... more

I understand there are many folks who have taken on more than one older child at a time and done well… or at least, survived. And I also understand that kids come in batches, otherwise known as sibling groups… and there is much to be said for keeping siblings together. HOWEVER… many siblings, both in American foster care and from overseas, have barely seen each other for years. In America, they may be in separate foster homes… in Eastern Europe, they are probably in separate orphanages.

Why might children in American... more

Recently a mom emailed me asking for advice on how to prepare herself, her husband, her home and her pets for the arrival of one or two older children from Eastern Europe. She has been reading about attachment and is aware of the recommendations to simplify a newly arrived child’s surroundings in the beginning. She wondered about “decluttering” their home in terms of the parent’s material possessions, and whether or not the animals should even be around in the beginning. These are very good questions and great blog material… so here goes!

Most... more

Although I am not officially answering ADN’s warm line these days, I still find myself speaking to several parents a week. Often I answer the same kinds of questions; therefore, I have begun blogging about those oft-repeated topics. One such blog was my recent post describing the structured and nurturing environment needed to help a newly adopted child feel safe enough to attach. A reader asked, what should parents do now to create that safe environment if they didn’t know to do that when their child first arrived?... more

If your child will actually embrace life upon occasion, even if by accident, then it can be very rewarding to try and engage them in fun activities and see it be effective. One participant in the “taking care of yourself” workshop at the ADN conference said she and her partner set an alarm clock to go off at weird moments and odd times. When the clock goes off, everyone goes and does something fun! Everyone. So even the kid who is melting down, or the kid doing “strong sitting” or whatever… Everyone does something fun. That might be painting with pudding, or a water balloon fight... more

Another huge component of this is how much your expectations match your reality. If you are still working way harder on your child’s life than they are, you are going to burn out much more quickly. If you are able to let their choices be THEIR choices and you make YOUR choices accordingly, you will do better. This philosophy doesn’t remove that pouty face from your field of vision, but keep reminding yourself it is THEIR problem, not yours. (But I know it doesn’t feel that way when they affect your life so dramatically.)

You... more

Today I decided to try and tackle one of the questions submitted by a reader. I think it is a question that pertains to most or all of us. The reader wanted to know how to “keep the love light lit” when the parents are so burned out. This mom admitted that she and her husband are most happy when their son is asleep or in time out. Boy can I relate to that…

The day in, day out living with Amy over the years has really taken its toll. It is extremely hard to live with a “downer” family member 24/7. We used to think we hit pay... more

In response to my recent series about the end of my daughter’s childhood and my sadness over the outcome thus far, a reader asked a very, very good question… If I knew then what I know now, would the outcome have been different?

I can’t tell you the number of times I have asked myself this question. There is no question about the fact that I was completely clueless about attachment when Amy came home. I didn’t glue her to my hip. I didn’t push through her defenses like I might have now. I tangled over things... more

Another reader question concerned how does a therapist assess a child’s attachment to new parents, or potential capacity for attachment? If new adoptive parents take their newly arrived child to an attachment therapist, what would the therapist hope to see? A very good question!

In my last post (about kids being stressed when mom leaves the room) I qualified my answer by stating I see nearly everything... more

I’m finally seeing my way clear to start addressing some of the questions that have landed in my mailbox. I’ll start with the first one I received (with apologies for being so slow to the reader who sent in the question, and with appreciation for your patience!)

The question concerned two children adopted over three years ago, who are now ages 6 and 4. Apparently both children... more