Adoption Disruption

Some of you might already have heard about the brouhaha occurring in Hong Kong and involving a Dutch diplomat and his wife and Korean-born adopted daughter, Jade. This article, Can an Adopted Child be Returned? in Time magazine, addresses this story. Apparently, the diplomat “has been accused of returning his eight-year-old adopted daughter like an unwanted Christmas necktie.” Jade, adopted at 4 months of age, has been relinquished into the custody of Hong Kong’s Social Welfare Department, and the diplomat and his wife have stated, “they could no longer care for her because of the girl's emotional remoteness.” According to the couple, their daughter and their family have undergone extensive therapy, with no change. The Time magazine article states that Jade was diagnosed with “a severe… [more]

I spent a fair amount of time on the phone yesterday, talking to a mom who was soon embarking on a road trip across several states to meet a potential new family member. This mom and her husband had one bio daughter who was a couple of years older than the child they were traveling to meet. The child in question arrived in the USA six months ago and was disrupting from the first placement. I’m sure you know where I’m going with this … this mom's family is potentially the next placement for this child. At the end of the 45 minute conversation, this mom said, “I didn’t like you at first and I didn’t like what you were saying, but now I am glad I… [more]

A friend recently sent me a link to an article that appeared in a British newspaper. My friend told me she had heard this paper was the equivalent of the Enquirer in America, so consider the source when you read the article. However, if even half of this story is factual, many of us will relate to the plight of this woman—and this child. This is the story of a single mom who adopted a 7-year-old girl from the foster care system in England. The mom has a biological daughter whose father is from Tanzania. A Tanzanian girl was sent by her biological family to live with an uncle, but the placement fell apart and the child entered the system. The single mom, drawn to… [more]

Once again the comments and respectful debate over disruptions and how they should be handled has been quite prolific in the last couple of blogs. Regarding private, “underground network” placements versus agency involvement, my long-time friend Pat Johnston had this to say: The problem is that this is nearly impossible when things are done between families, independently, rather than with the guidance of a professional standing in the middle and directing--hopefully a counseling professional whose first allegiance is to the child. Since there are some agencies out there which DO frequently handle disruptions and re-placements, and since they would be more likely to be objective, probably more supportive, and certainly more "seasoned" than the original placing agency, I think it's in the best interests of… [more]

I don’t know how many families I have worked with over the years, but it has been many. Represented in that overall sample were quite a few families in crisis, some of whom went on to disrupt. Through no plans of my own, I have come to be considered the “Disruption Guru” by many in the industry—a moniker which actually creates issues for me on many fronts. I have learned many, many things about families, relationships, attachment, stress responses, coping skills and human behavior over the course of this past 15 years. Here is one bottom line thing I hang on to: I try very, very hard not to make judgments about why people disrupt a placement. In most cases, I am “right there with them.”… [more]

I have enjoyed the lively discussion occurring about adoption disruption and the reasons behind it. One of the recurring themes in the readers’ comments has been the role of agencies in adoption disruption. I can’t tell you how many times I have had parents tell me their agency response was, “Really? Your child has attachment issues? We’ve never had any child have those problems before!” I still remember calling our placing agency when my family was imploding—and imploding in a huge, critical fashion—and the agency worker said, “Find someone who knows about attachment disorder!” CLICK went the phone … and I was on my own. In the case of the child we disrupted, it was absolutely an “agency” driven debacle. I use the term “agency” loosely… [more]

A comment by Pat Johnston of Perspectives Press recently ignited an interesting exchange of thoughts and ideas on a previous blog. Pat was asking why some placements disrupt, and what might be done to change this phenomenon. Her bottom line thought was that if parents were better prepared, this would only happen if kids were a danger to themselves or the rest of their family. She signed her posts, “Pat the idealist”. In an idealistic world, yes; but we are far from that world as I see it. The first major problem in my opinion is the fact that it is nearly impossible to “prepare” parents for something for which they have no frame of reference. Back to the horses

Beth and I had a wonderful visit with her first adoptive family last night. I’ll call them “Diane” and “Tim”. Beth had some misgivings earlier in the day. I gave her the option of cancelling, but she stuck with our plans to go. It was her idea to initiate the visit. I understood that she was nervous about it. We did a few errands in the late afternoon and then headed over to their house for pizza. We brought dessert … home made éclairs. I was expecting it to be a bit awkward at first, for all of us—but it wasn’t. Very quickly we picked up where we left off a couple of years ago. After Beth came to live with us… [more]

Tonight Beth and I are at a very special dinner date. We are having pizza with Beth’s first adoptive family. She arrived in the US from China at 8 months of age, and came to live with my family two weeks before her third birthday. In the interim she lived with her first adoptive family. They are really nice folks and I am looking forward to seeing them. I can’t fault them at all for the way Beth’s trajectory unfolded. They learned they were pregnant just weeks before they were scheduled to travel. They asked both the local and the national placing agencies what they should do. They were told, “If you want two babies, go for it!” Not a word about attachment issues… [more]

As this blog drips into the system I will already be at the Elms Resort, welcoming our pre-conference speakers and attendees and ATN board members as our second annual conference kicks off. Yesterday my phones were ringing like crazy as I managed home issues, conference issues, and “regular” ATN issues. I have families in crisis all over the place, with kids blowing out of placements and families searching for answers. One mom wrote on a bulletin board recently that she was “tired of feeling all alone.” I hastened to reply that she wasn’t alone. In crisis, yes; alone, no. I wish she could join us at the conference. I will be doing a workshop on disruption and unfortunately I have no lack… [more]