Grief and Loss

This morning I am cooking for Thanksgiving. I retrieve my folks from the airport at 3 PM, weather willing. I have a pork roast and sauerkraut in the crock-pot for dinner tonight. As I was preparing it this morning, it occurred to me it might not be the best choice for my stomach, which is highly disturbed with me as I ingest my third round of antibiotics—and a kills-everything one at that. However, I’m making it because my mom is one of the few people who will eat the sauerkraut with me, although Beth will eat some. I highly doubt Dora will touch it with a ten-foot pole. The men don’t like it, either. But guess what else I was thinking as I prepared the roast… [more]

Dora and I have been having some deep conversations lately. We are two months into her placement with us, and she is processing lots of things. Tomorrow is therapy day, and we have plenty to discuss. Her first adoptive mom sent a photo album that contained pictures of Dora’s Chinese orphanage and her first few months in America. Such a sad, sad group of infants and toddlers represented by those photos. Picture after picture devoid of life or smiles on the faces of these kids. I didn’t have to convince Dora about what I saw—she saw it, too. We not only talked about the unsmiling faces, but we commented on all the empty eyes as well. How many times has it been said that the eyes are… [more]

Tomorrow starts Dora’s second week of school, still half days. Both girls missed a couple of days of school on our weekend junket, but it is their responsibility to make sure their work is completed. They most certainly had plenty of time in the car to make it happen. I informed Dora tonight that Amy lost the option of missing school when we traveled because she never, ever made up her work. Kyle and Stephanie were always very conscientious about their academic responsibilities. Speaking of Amy, tomorrow is D-day for her. I have no idea if she made something happen this weekend or not. Actually, it would be unlikely that she made anything happen today because she still has one more day of grace … but… [more]

Continued from here ... Often I scoop up a wailing child immediately and head to the rocking chair, but when Dora erupted over losing the privilege of attending the Neil Sedaka concert as well as being held accountable for her manipulations, I let her hash it out alone for a few minutes. She was screaming, and her words, although directed at the occupants of my household, were really intended for a different audience. It was heartbreaking. As much as I wanted to comfort her immediately, I let her wind up even more. She has a ton of anger and pain that she must acknowledge and address. She was miserable. In fairly short order I did escort her to the rocking chair. We had yet another… [more]

In my previous blog, I shared that Dora informed me she believes she has unloaded about “half” of her sadness, anger and deep feelings. While I concurred that she had, indeed, offloaded some of her negative feelings, I asked her how she quantified the amount? How did she decide it was “half”? She really didn’t have an answer for me, as I expected. I then provided her with this analogy … I said her grief and loss were like a bucket of water, but not a bucket that was only filled one time and then emptied. I said it was a bucket that was filled at different times and in different amounts. When it became too full, some water spilled out, or when it was knocked… [more]

Continued from here ... As Beth and I continued plowing through her emotions, I stated once again that grief and loss is a journey, not a destination. (Thanks to Faith for that great phrase!) I told Beth she would be processing that loss throughout her lifetime, and in different ways through each of her ages and stages. I said she had matured a great deal in the past year and she was able to understand things in a different way than she had understood them in the past. We talked about my friend Karen who recently gave birth to her first child. Karen’s mom died when Karen was about Beth’s age. Giving birth to her daughter was a bittersweet time for Karen. Karen’s… [more]

Continued from here ... Beth's assessment that she hadn't felt such deep pain for quite some time reminded me of some issues we had when she was around 5 or 6, and a conversation I had with Daniel Hughes about her behavior. I honestly can’t remember what exactly she was doing that was sending me mixed messages, but I remember being confused about how to respond to her. I described her behavior to Dan and he asked me several specific questions about her history. The conclusions he drew about her behavior completely fit what I knew to be true about her. Beth is unquestionably genetically predisposed to being a happy child. She much prefers feeling good to carrying around a good pout. She… [more]

Continued from here ... Intermittently during the time we talked, Beth buried her head in my chest and absolutely wailed. She released the most guttural sounds imaginable. It was clearly a purging of deep pain. In between she would regroup and we would talk, and then she would begin again. Dora was awake for much of this time. During our conversation I did a little venting of my own. I told Beth I had poured a great deal of energy into both girls this past week and still, every time I turned around, someone needed something else from me. I told Beth I was doing the best I could, but no one seemed to notice I had more than the usual out-go, therefore I might need… [more]

Last night I fixed one of our family favorites for dinner … barbecued pork on the grill. Although little in life ever revved Amy’s motor, I would have to say that eating this particular meal probably came the closest to getting a reaction. Not enough that it ever had any motivating capability, but I do think it was “pleasurable” to her in whatever sense she defines that word. So as I was preparing it, I thought of her … of the dialog and commenting that has been occurring on this blog about her lack of responsibility for her life, about my lost hopes and dreams for our mother/daughter relationship and her childhood, about the depth and breadth of the emotions I feel… [more]

Beth and I did errands today and then had our teeth cleaned; next we met her teacher for this year, and visited her teacher from last year. The school had a cookout and had all kinds of inflatable water toys on the playground for the kids to enjoy. It is so beastly hot here we haven’t been walking the dogs much or riding the horses … we have been hunkering down inside. It has been just the two of us for several days, as my husband and Steph were in Minnesota with Kyle and Marie, watching the Kansas City Chiefs at training camp. Sure sounded like a good time to me … but I had to pass—darn! Beth and I have had a… [more]