How to...

A reader commented on this post and asked the question, “How do I get my son to the point where he is not affected by my daughter’s behaviors, but only has the day-to-day stressors of life to deal with?” First of all, let me clarify my view of the issues that cause a reaction in Beth, and those that don’t. One of the reader’s questions involved Amy’s departure almost a year ago, and right before our Chinese student arrived. In the discussion we had last night about defining “adoptive family” and “attachment” and “what is normal in a family”, we touched on this subject. Sometimes adoptive parents are restricted from adopting for a certain period of time after they divorce. What… [more]

There are some reoccurring themes that appear over and over as I work with families and speak to parents across the country. Sometimes I think I sound like a broken record, but some things bear repeating… I cannot emphasize enough the importance of providing significant structure for children who have experienced loss and trauma. Think about my horse and zebra analogy. If I look out at my domesticated horses, especially the one I just bought who is so low key and mellow, he is most certainly not worrying about the next predator that might appear on the horizon. He’s calm and relaxed, even though he is in a brand new environment. Nothing in his history … either the past seven years (that’s… [more]

Tonight’s local news featured a more in depth story about the accused killer of Kelsey Smith, a beautiful 18 year old recent high school graduate who was abducted in daylight hours from Target and killed shortly thereafter. I blogged about it here. The accused killer is Edwin Hall, a young man in his mid-20s, and a product of the foster care system. Tonight’s news byte offered up some old information and some new information. We had already known that Hall was adopted at the age of seven by a family in Emporia, Kansas. I have never seen them interviewed on camera, although tonight’s video clip showed their home. They had been interviewed by a local reporter, and she said… [more]

I mentioned in this blog how many electronic newsletters I receive, and how much good information is contained in them. One newsletter I didn’t mention in the first post is The Link, which states its mission or purpose as: Connecting Juvenile Justice and Child Welfare. It is a publication from the Child Welfare League of America. One article written a few years ago is titled Youth in Foster Care Who Commit Delinquent Acts. The article discusses information gleaned from a study by the Children and Family Research Center at the University of Illinois. The first paragraph states what is sadly not much of an epiphany for many of you reading this blog … youth who have experienced… [more]

This comment was left in response to my blog about How to regain control of an out-of-control household. Now here's a question(s) I have on the control issue. When our youngest came as part of a sib group of four, she began by trying to control and manipulate Mom and Dad. Mom saw through her "tricks" early on, and had the upper hand nearly from the get-go. Dad was more of a softy, and although firm, was still "played" once in awhile. Now Dad has learned the "tricks" too, and stands firmly beside Mom. So she has shifted her control tactics to her three older and emotionally unhealthy, somewhat fragile siblings. They fall into her trap EVERY TIME! She seems to consider… [more]

There are several posts in the attachment forum that all focus on one basic issue … how does a parent regain control of a household where the child already has the upper hand? In one case, a mom writes that whenever she is shopping or at a store, her child throws a tantrum. Another mom writes about how her child will do nothing she asks. And as we all know, our kids can make control battles out of breathing … My answer to this centers on a realization I had years ago when I was doing respite care on a regular basis. When I first started offering respite to families, I offered the kind of respite I knew I had needed for my… [more]

In the last post I listed four different categories of therapists or social workers as described by Foster Cline. I closed by promising to share Foster’s thoughts on how to differentiate between a good therapist who appears abusive and an abusive person who works as a therapist. Foster lists the following suggestions for assessing a therapist: • Assess the therapist’s home life and family. If they are married, is it a successful marriage? Do they have children, and if so, are they well-behaved? Of course, it might be difficult to have an opportunity to see these interactions, but some information can be gained during the course of therapy and conversation. Foster believes it will be difficult for a therapist to “take a patient beyond a… [more]

I have been ruminating this morning about last night’s Older Child Adoption meeting. Two pre-adoptive couples were at this support group meeting; one couple who has three young bio kids are planning to add a teen girl, and the other couple is bringing home two kids under the age of 5 or 6. Looking at their excited, anticipatory faces, I couldn’t help but sit there and wonder if their idyllic image would last, or if it didn’t, how long it would take to fade. I have blogged about this before. When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall When the bough breaks, Part Two Zebras, not horses Owl or fowl I’m not spending much time on the FRUA board these days; time simply… [more]

I didn’t write anything yesterday because I am having a terrible time shaking this cold or flu or whatever it is that I brought back from Colorado. And now to add insult to injury, my back is out of whack and I can’t stand up straight. And my chiropractor is closed today. Getting old is the PITS! At least I am not caring for attachment-affected children while I am sick … there is much to be thankful about that fact. In a later post, I will talk about how Mama being sick shakes the already shaky foundation our kids are trying to build, and how rather than Mama getting empathy and pampering, she gets more grief than ever when she’s sick. Sound familiar? A… [more]

Once again I am going to warn you that I will be spilling the beans on Deb Hannah’s book, so if you’d rather wait to read this, you’ve been warned! Deb and her husband Joe adopted five children after having given birth to four. The five adoptees arrived as two sibling groups—three and two. If you go to Deb’s website, you see a picture of Deb and her husband Joe and five kids. The math doesn’t add up. When I read the book, I read it in two sittings. I checked out the website between my two reading sessions. Midway through the book, Deb was parenting 8 kids. But the picture showed 5 kids … My brain went “Uh Oh!” but my heart… [more]