Abuse Allegations

In the last several posts, I have been discussing the dynamics in our families that result in crisis situations. Some of the information has been drawn from Jodee Kulp’s book Families at Risk, and some has been from my own experiences. In this post I’d like to examine why parents are reticent to ask for help. Sometimes, families simply don’t know how truly pathological their situation has become. In their effort to deal with “the tree” right in front of them, they totally lose sight of the forest. They are emotionally shut down and merely operating on auto-pilot. At some point or on some level they realize their lives are out of control, but they are barely hanging on at this… [more]

Continuing with my series on abuse allegations and indicators of a highly stressed foster or adoptive family, in this post I want to address how the provider’s agency or community can exacerbate or relieve these stresses. I am continuing to draw information from Jodee Kulp’s book. Sometimes the following negative contributions from the provider’s agency or community can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back… • Subsidy or Medicaid payments are late and there is an immediate need for those funds. • The family is denied access to desperately needed resources or told they are on a waiting list and won’t receive assistance for months. • The foster parent feels biological family visits are negatively impacting the child, or the agency plan is not in the… [more]

There is a plethora of wisdom in Jodee Kulp’s book, Families at Risk: A guide to understanding and protecting children and providers involved in out-of-home or adoptive care. In this post, I am going to share with you some of her thoughts on when it is understandable and desirable that you ask for help. She starts off by quoting an “oldie but goodie” article published in July 1961 by Indiana University (my arch rival as a Purdue grad!) titled, Teacher’s Handling of Children in Conflict, and written by N. Long and R. Newman. It states: A teacher can’t function adequately for long without an informed shoulder to lean on, without an on-the-spot human wailing wall at which to gripe, to rage, to express fears and… [more]

Continuing with my discussion of abuse allegations levied against foster and adoptive parents, I want to share with you some of the amazing wisdom found in Jodee Kulp’s excellent book, Families at Risk; A guide to understanding and protecting children and providers involved in out-of-home or adoptive care. In the preface, Jodee sets the tone by stating: As adults, we may want to excuse our behavior or blame the child when the real solution lies in our understanding and dealing with the child’s crisis. The power of control is with the adult; not with the child. In most cases, adults have the capacity to make a choice. In a licensed professional parenting family, an allegation of child maltreatment is tragic. If true… [more]

When Beth came into our lives, she was not a healthy child. We had her assessed by an attachment therapist, but we could easily see her manipulation skills and many of her issues without needing a therapist to point them out to us. We had already spent considerable dollars on the mental health issues of our other adoptees, so we were reticent to sign up for significant unknowns in terms of our financial (or emotional) future. To that end, we attempted to facilitate the adoption of Beth through the social welfare system. We knew it was going to be nearly impossible (primarily because she was adopted internationally), but if we were successful, she would at least qualify for some subsidy assistance… [more]

All this talk about false allegations of abuse has brought up so many fond memories. One of the readers asked how many times I had been accused? So I thought I would try and remember those momentous occasions. The first time was when we still lived in Indiana. Amy was a preschooler. She played the victim quite effectively. I can’t even remember what the complaint was specifically, or even how it evolved. I think we received a call from social services but it died pretty fast. But of course, it was scary and very stressful. Another time we were at a Boy Scout event for Kyle and Amy was playing her role to the hilt. We were “reported” to the person in… [more]

I wish I had some guaranteed, magic advice to give those of you who live under the constant threat of being accused of child abuse … advice on how to avoid such a painful and horrible experience. Been there, done that … repeatedly. Fortunately each of our many investigations pretty much went nowhere, but not for lack of trying on the part of social services. However, I have heard countless stories from families who were not nearly so fortunate. I have seen families financially, emotionally and physically destroyed from these horrible investigations. I also frequently receive calls from families who know it is only a matter of time before they head down this slippery slope. They want to know how to hedge their bet… [more]

One of the reader comments in response to “What would you like me to talk about?” focused on the ever-present specter of getting hotlined for “suspected abuse” and having your kids taken from you. Actually, the reader stated it more in terms of “Us” and “Them” and sadly, I couldn’t agree more with her choice of words. I would like to think this particular aspect of parenting traumatized and abused kids would be getting better—meaning that “They” would have a better understanding of what these kids say and do. THEY don’t … For example, this post appeared on one of ATN’s listserves today … and is reprinted with permission: Friday night son and husband had another blowout when husband told son he couldn't… [more]