I can’t believe it has been over a month since I have posted a blog. It feels good to sit down and write another entry … and yet, I have been so insanely busy that I haven’t had a moment to even think about the blog, much less write it. Let me tell you what has happened in my life this past month …

My last entry showed you a photo of the used (but new to us) horse trailer my husband and I recently purchased. We traveled to Indiana to retrieve the trailer. Ten minutes after leaving the trailer lot, we stopped to get gas, and being unfamiliar with the (non-existent) turning radius of the trailer, my husband clipped a post next to the gas pump. One pole of the trailer awning was damaged, and we duct taped it on the way home.

I forgot to mention that the week prior to retrieving the trailer, a deer jumped out in front of my husband and he hit it with the less-than-a-week-old truck. We had the truck repaired.

OK, so we get the trailer home and somehow manage to park it in front of our barn. The thing is heavy and long and a totally different driving experience. The next day I take it to a local trailer place for repairs. It stays there for over a week. In the meantime, we find a third horse to buy, and bring him home in our old two-horse trailer.

A week later this new horse fails the pre-purchase exam we had arranged using my equine vet, and we make arrangements to return him to the buyer, since our purchase of him was contingent on him passing the exam.

I had been scrambling to prepare horses, riders and trailer for an organized trail ride benefitting children with cerebral palsy. When the newly purchased horse needed to be returned, we were once again “down” a horse. I hadn’t put shoes on my old Arab, thinking I wouldn’t need to take him, but it appeared he’d have to go. I started my Internet searching for another horse, and made preliminary inquiries on about a dozen possibilities.

Quite unexpectedly, another suitable horse was found not far from our home, and arrangements were made to return horse #1 and retrieve horse #2 all in the same day … and at this point, it was two days before Beth and I had planned to leave for the ride.

I managed to drop horse #1 off without incident, but while I was making a huge wide circle in the gravel parking lot in front of the barn that contained horse #2, I wasn’t so fortunate. Although the truck and trailer were only at about a 110-degree angle, it was still tight enough that the gooseneck trailer dented the truck next to the back window and broke the rear cab window. I drove home with the heat blasting and rear-window air conditioning …

I dropped the truck off at the Chevy dealer that afternoon and pleaded with them to fix it ASAP. Over the next two days, I cleaned the trailer from top to bottom. I started packing the trailer for our trip. I retrieved the truck at 3 PM on the day we had planned to leave (we had moved back our plans until the following morning) and immediately went home, hooked up the trailer, and headed once again for the trailer repair place. The plan was to put an extender on the gooseneck of the trailer and get it 9 inches farther away from the truck cab. I waited while the work was completed and left about 5 PM. Before getting the trailer home, the now-lower (but farther back!!!) gooseneck housing managed to dent one side wall of the truck when the truck and trailer were not on virtually even ground. I was back at the trailer place the first thing the next morning.

At that point it was decided that the steel gusset of the trailer was so bulky and designed to be so close to the truck bed that we were not likely to be able to avoid future problems … so we traded that trailer in and started all over again. Of course, we had been hemorrhaging money at this point, with truck repairs, trailer repairs, horse returns, etc. This was SUPPOSED to be my recreation.

We didn’t go on the trip. It turns out it rained and was cold and the day everyone left, folks were getting stuck in the mud … I would have been a basket case trying to pull our rig out. The weekend we were supposed to be on the ride, Beth had a cold and I had the stomach flu … not to mention that I was totally wiped out from the whole debacle.

Last weekend I traveled to New England and presented workshops all day on Saturday. During all the running around and stress with the trailer, I was trying to prepare workshops and handouts for the conference. Throw in some out-of-town company, horses that got into grain and had to be dosed with mineral oil to prevent colic and founder (more $$ of course!!) and a few thousand other minor details … and it is a darn good thing I wasn’t trying to blog as well.

As of this moment, we have no trailer. However, we are in the process of getting a different type that has a much more user-friendly gooseneck hitch.

I took the hint that my life is a bit too full right now to be able to devote the time and energy necessary to continue writing this blog, so I am sorry to say I am bidding you a final farewell. I am desperately trying to recapture some R & R in my life, and once we get all the bugs worked out, we are going to spend weekends camping and riding the trails in our regional area.

I have no plans to blog anywhere else, but instead will devote more time to the Attachment & Trauma Network. I have thoroughly enjoyed writing this blog and getting to know many of you. Your comments were always greatly appreciated. I enjoyed the lively debates that occasionally occurred. I wish the subject matter could have been more upbeat more often … but I wrote what I was feeling and experiencing. I never claimed to have all the answers, or even to know all the questions. I was and am muddling through, just like all of you.

In a recent conversation with Ken Huey who is also an adult adoptee and the CEO of a residential treatment facility, Ken said studies have shown that the single most important factor in whether or not therapy succeeds or doesn’t succeed is the therapist’s investment in the relationship. This was true regardless of the type of therapy used. Ken extrapolated this finding to parenting as well. He told me that while my intensity and expectations were on the high end of the parenting spectrum, so was the degree of my investment in my relationships with my kids. In observing me with my children, Ken said it was clear that my kids knew how highly valued and loved they were and that I expected much of them because I wanted much for them.

When my husband and I purchased the first horse trailer, there was so much that we didn’t know. We really wish the folks who sold us that first trailer had done more to prepare us and make sure we had what we needed to be successful (like the extender for the gooseneck and maybe even a different trailer entirely …) It would have been nice to have them delineate our possible pitfalls. We learned many things the hard way. My husband likened it to our experiences adopting.

However, we anticipate that this too, shall pass. Our memories of all these tough times, while they may never entirely disappear, will hopefully be replaced with better experiences. This has been the case in our adoption journey. I wish the same for you.

Please don’t make your journey alone. Seek out other parents for support. Come see us at ATN. God bless.

In late November, I wrote this blog entry and discussed the fact that I needed a blogging break. Many of you concurred. I cut my blog entries in half in December, fully expecting to resume full speed ahead in January. It didn’t happen. Here we are, approaching the end of February, and I am still struggling to get posts written on a regular basis.

Perhaps it has something to do with the additional time and energy requirements imposed by adding Dora last fall. Perhaps it has to do with Kyle and Marie moving back close to home last December, or the holiday hustle and bustle. Maybe it is my recent surgery and the physical and emotional energy utilized for healing and recovery. Of course, homeschooling Beth has impacted my time expenditure.

Alternatively, it could be the fact that, having given up on ever getting Java (our recently purchased Quarter horse) in our old two-horse straight load trailer, we just made a deposit on the most incredible new (used) 3-horse slant with living quarters … and I am spending very happy times cruising the Internet, checking out all the trail riding options (and perhaps open horse shows) available within a few hours of driving from my home. Last Sunday, we headed out to drive 7.5 hours to St. Paul, MN, to see a horse in Des Moines on the way, a horse in the St. Paul area, and then have dinner with Stephanie. A bad snowstorm aborted our plans, and we returned home. We tried again yesterday, driving just to Des Moines to see the first horse. We are looking for another one like Java … but this horse wasn’t it. But it is very fun finding them online and scoping them out. Not many families spend the entire day in a car to go check out a horse … but what can I say?

Maybe I’m blogging less because I want to rediscover my embroidery machine. I have actually signed up for an embroidery demo in late March; however, in perusing trail riding opportunities, I found this late March ride benefiting kids with cerebral palsy. If we do this ride, I’ll have to cancel my embroidery class. It means I have a little over a month to pick up our new trailer (it is in Indianapolis, by the way—we found it while I was there for my surgery last week), get shoes on both horses, get our equipment together, get the horses in slightly better physical shape, etc. etc. etc.

I think Beth and I will try to go … is anyone interested in helping us raise money for CP? (Email me if you are ... I'd like to raise as much as possible!)

Remember when I told you about my trip with my mom last year? We are doing it again this year … only instead of horseback riding in Florida, we are cruising in Mexico. I know, it’s rough, but someone has to do it. I leave in a few days. I don’t really think I want to blog while I’m on the ship … sorry, guys … I can’t seem to find the motivation to write blogs in advance … it would cut into my time cruising the Internet for trail-broke horses and upcoming trail rides. I also want to embroider a “Beth’s Mom” swim t-shirt for me to wear to her Division II championship meet this weekend. Maybe I can find time to order wedding pictures from Kyle and Marie's May 2006 wedding ... do ya think? Or create the photo show of pictures I promised my vet school classmates at our reunion last October.

So, guess what? I am taking a REAL blogging break. Rather than quit entirely, I have reached an agreement with the folks here at adoption.com to just take a sabbatical for now. I will regroup in a month or six weeks, and see where I stand. In the meantime, I plan to lighten my load as much as possible and revisit the hobbies and pastimes I once enjoyed.

Hang in there ... I know many of you are struggling. I'm sorry to pull any source of support out from under you. If you haven't found the support available through ATN, please check it out.

Hopefully I'll see you again in the not-to-distant future, rejuvenated and ready to write!

Photo Credit ... our new home-away-from-home

I have received some excellent and thought-provoking comments about Dora’s brief stay in respite care while I had my surgery. I will answer the questions and respond to the comments in a post in the near future … but this morning I am compelled to address yet another school shooting tragedy.

I was actually presenting a luncheon RAD workshop to over a hundred Rotary Club members at the very time the Virginia Tech shooting was occurring. Those folks returned to their jobs for the rest of the afternoon and sadly, everything I had just said was reinforced in the craziness of that campus shooting.

Now here we go again. I heard one of many news commentators (or perhaps it was a call-in guest) wonder why these kids and young adults who are so emotionally disturbed did not receive or respond to mental health intervention. Well, perhaps that is because there was no appropriate intervention available, or because the child refused to do the work, or because everyone around the mentally ill person refused to acknowledge what they were seeing.

This shooting shakes me to the core for many reasons, but especially because it is the university that Kyle and Marie just graduated from last December. They spent several years there. Kyle was a TA and might know some of the victims. Marie’s cousin is attending NIU and he is a freshman. He called Marie’s aunt and uncle yesterday to tell them he was OK, but also told them four of his friends were shot.

How is a parent supposed to deal with this? We all know we can lose our lives in vehicular accidents or due to unexpected illnesses. No one wants to think about that, but we all understand that bad things happen to good people. But this rash of campus shootings … It certainly adds one more item to the lengthy plus column as to why I am homeschooling Beth right now. I know I can’t protect her indefinitely from this kind of tragedy—I can’t protect Steph who is still in college, or Marie who will soon be a classroom teacher.

I will focus on what I can do. And what I can do is mobilize folks like those of you reading this blog, and together we can raise our voices and demand the services we need … such as therapeutic respite care, which I will address again shortly. Please join me if you are comfortable in praying for the families and victims of this latest tragedy.

Incomprehensible grief

Like mother, like daughter

The needs of the many or few?

Escalation and pushing the boundaries

Photo Credit

Yesterday was spent traveling home to Kansas after my endoscopic surgical procedure in Indianapolis. I awoke this morning at 5 AM with a migraine—no surprise there, after general anesthetic, a little extra stress (although I wasn’t really worried about this at all) and a completely out-of-sync sleep schedule. My throat still hurts but it is better. I had dinner with my doctor the day after my surgery (he's a long time friend), and he mentioned he wasn’t sure the big tube would fit down my throat … so that tells you how tight it was. No wonder my throat felt so violated!

Dora spent four days with a neighbor. Dora couldn’t afford to miss school, and she’s been singularly unpleasant to be around, so we opted out of dealing with that while I was having surgery. As expected, she worked her magic on the neighbors; the mom was effusive in her description of what a delight little Dora was to be around. Dora headed out to school this morning with a nicely decorated Valentine’s Day box. Dora has not said one word to me about it; although I suspected the class was doing them. It wasn’t up to me to beg for the privilege of helping her make a box. I was virtually certain Dora would play the “I need a Valentine box but my mom won’t help me” card. Who knows how she actually presented it to the neighbor. There was a time when it would bother me, but that time has passed. I finally have accepted the fact that is it totally unrealistic to expect the average neighbor or community member to understand the real dynamics when they spend four days with a child who puts on her best face and stuffs all the real negative feelings down deep. I've seen the honeymooning Dora, and she's very good at her shtick.

My husband picked Dora up at the neighbors last night while I went out to do horse chores. Upon my return, I heard Dora crying. I asked what the matter was, and she said, “NOTHING!” So I said, “OK. I’m here if you want to talk, but I’m not begging you to do so.” It turns out Dora was crying over having to leave the honeymoon ideal of the neighbor’s home, only to return to this Land of Accountability and Realism. I offered to rock her but acknowledged that I was the problem for her. She opted to deal with it alone.

This morning, I asked her to describe to me why she was crying. She said, “For some reason, when I go to another house they are nice to me and I want to live with them!” I asked her if she thought she just had the bad fortune of landing in “mean houses” or perhaps might her behavior have something to do with it? Additionally, I asked her if she thought things would get difficult at the neighbor’s home if she stayed there long enough. She said, “Yes, I would get mad.” I reminded her of my husband’s comment that, “Wherever you go, there you are!”

Dora is not happy about how her life is unfolding but she is still not willing to be the one to fix anything. When I asked her if she had any interest in working on it, she immediately said “NO.” So there you have it. Onward ho!

Photo Credit

Other than the fact that my throat feels as if an entire army has marched over it, I am doing pretty well this morning after my gastric plication procedure yesterday. All my Propel tastes like anesthetic gas, but thankfully it is not as bad this morning as yesterday evening. I have done little but sleep since they put me out about 2 PM yesterday afternoon. I could easily put my computer down, crawl under the covers, and sleep some more right now … I have some slight discomfort in my mid-stomach area where I now sport a few new sutures ... but nothing major.

I won’t know for a few weeks or even months how effective this procedure will be, but my doc is very, very excited about the results he has seen thus far. I have a feeling I have been living with a low grade of discomfort for a very long time, punctuated with severe bouts. I am anxious to feel really good again.

During all of the pre-op stuff yesterday—you know, where you tell them a thousand times, over and over again, that you are not allergic to anything, all your teeth are your own, you are not pregnant, you don’t have on any jewelry, you didn’t eat anything past midnight—I shared with my first nurse about ATN. Her fiancé works for eTapestry.com. eTapestry is an organization that assists non-profits.

I told Joy, my nurse, about the kids and families served by ATN. She immediately connected with the need, based on some of the families she has seen during her nursing career. I also told her about Thomas Verny and the commercial I described in this post.

Joy made note of the ATN website, and I hope she tells her fiancé to check us out. I told her how we consisted of stressed-out families who are hard pressed to survive their own lives, much less volunteer in an organization and help financially. We need outside support. If any of you reading this blog know of any sources of support for ATN, please give me a call or email me. I don’t miss too many opportunities to promote our work, as you can see!

We are hanging out in our hotel room today, with Beth doing schoolwork, my husband participating in conference calls for his work, and I uncharacteristically silenced! We are having dinner with my doc and his wife tonight … he has been my friend since I was a teenager. We head home tomorrow. Thanks so much for all of your well-wishes.

Photo Credit

I’m writing this blog 500 miles away from home, sitting in a Red Roof Inn, hungry, and counting down the hours until I head to a local hospital today for an endoscopic procedure that will hopefully go a long way towards correcting the severe gastric reflux problem I have battled for years. I will get general anesthetic today, rather than “twilight sleep” which is what I experienced when I was “scoped” last fall.

Although Beth is with us, Dora is not. It is easy to bring Beth’s homeschooling. Dora missed nearly the whole week of school last week because of the flu. She couldn’t afford to miss three more days, and we were reticent to deal with her perpetual snarkiness when I was down for the count. Therefore, she’s staying with a neighbor.

We had dinner last evening with my husband’s aging parents. I explained GERD (Gastro-Esophageal Reflux Disease) and the probable origins of it (genetics, anatomy and stress). My father-in-law brought up the topic of a new vaccine available for Shingles and we discussed the fact that I have had Shingles as well—albeit a very mild case. I had one lesion on my back in the mid-90’s, and it occurred at the absolute peak of my personal family crises. I had an extensive telephone interview with a hospital pre-registration lady regarding my candidacy for general anesthesia, and we discussed my migraines.

I recently sent my mom to her doc to be evaluated for GERD, and I now believe she has battled it for years as well. My dad was a migraine sufferer (but they have stopped now.) I know many of my medical issues are genetically related. But how much has stress impacted them? How many of the reasons behind my preparing for this surgery relate to my stressful lifestyle?

There have been time periods in the past 15-20 years when the stress in my household was physically palpable. I lived in a constant state of stress. It was inevitable that my body reflected that stress. Even if and when I did a credible job of holding things together, I couldn’t prevent the escalating stress from impacting me physically.

There are many references in the literature to the high resting cortisol levels that are present in our traumatized kids. I have little doubt there are high resting cortisol levels in the kids’ equally traumatized parents. I am thinking of all you folks out there who are dealing with the direct and indirect physical fallout of living with traumatized kids.

I’ll try and post a post-operative report tomorrow morning!

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