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“99 Ways to Drive Your Child Sane” by Brita St.Clair is one of my favorite parenting books for kids with attachment issues.
If you’re living with a child with attachment issues you will understand when I say that there are days when you just want to scream or pull your hair out. You are not sure if your child is insane, if you are, or both. You think there is no way you are going to make it through the day. You have had all you can take of the lying, stealing, destruction, food hoarding, or all of the above.
99 Ways takes a humorous look at a way to change things up and make you laugh, make your child laugh, or both. There is a disclaimer in the back of the book and it is one that should be taken to heart.
“In no way are these suggestions meant to be used for humiliation, degradation or revenge or punishment for a child!”
This book is not about humiliating your child, but instead having some fun and keeping things light when it feels like anything but fun. That being said, here are a few of my favorites.
#4 – For a particularly snotty kid, hand them a tissue every time you walk past. Your child will probably pretend you are nuts, but they know what you mean.
#22 – I forgot about this one, but I will be using it soon. I have two kids who never stop talking. With my son, Sammy, it’s to avoid thinking. With my daughter, Hannah, it is partially wanting to be the center of attention, and because she is a very social child. When your child is driving you up a wall with the endless chatter, pretend to spot a fly and then chase it. You can pretend to kill it and eat it if you can get away with it.
#40 – For whining and tantrums – We do this one in our house. When your child starts to throw a tantrum or whine, show that you can do it better and whine or have a tantrum along with the child. I tell my kids that I can do it better, so they are not allowed to do it until they can do it better than me. It can be especially embarrassing when done in the middle of the grocery store, but I’m beyond caring what people think of me, and the only ones who don’t get it have never had kids, or haven’t been around kids in quite a while.
#60 – Who knows – Kids often answer “I don’t know” when asked a question, but with kids with attachment issues it can be a common answer to questions that you know your child knows the answer to. One thing with you learn quickly with kids with attachment issues to never ask a “Why” question, because you will never get a straight answer. The book’s suggestion is that when your child say “I don’t know” ask who does know. Is it the neighbor? The dog? The Sunday school teacher? We changed this one up with Hannah when she was a respite kid. She did “I don’t know” or shrugged her shoulders quite often, so we gave ourselves a point every time she did it. When she got to 50 “points” I baked a cake and we had a party and thanked her for not knowing.
You get the idea of how this book goes. Get a copy for your home and pull it out when you feel your sanity slipping and you need to have some fun with the insane things your child is doing. You can order a copy here. It will be a great addition to your parenting library.
Photo credit – Kelly L. Killian
Those suggestions sound fun and different. I think that’s what I need – something fun to keep me from losing my mind. I have 3 kids with RAD, adopted as a sibling group 3 years ago. I know a lot about RAD, but it seems that the behaviors are dragging me down more lately. For the first time ever, I feel hate for my oldest, and that scares me. I know that I really do love him, but he is grinding my life away and it’s making me insane. I am resenting him and all he does to make our lives crazy. It’s so hard to keep on keeping on – especially when one doesn’t have any support from anyone or even a decent therapist. I’m glad I found this blog today – I think that will help.
Hi I wanted to start a new topic and if someone can tell me how- then I will!
We have had our daughter from Russia for 8 years. She was 11 when we adopted her. We do not live in the U.S. so it is possible that she would have been diagnosed with RAD years ago. My husband and I have done a lot of homework via the internet and are convinced that she does have it.
My question is- We have not seen her since August and the plan was that we would all get together for Christmas at our house in the U.S. (She presently lives in it and goes to college and works- both part-time. She informed us that she has bought a ticket to stay with friends in Miami and then go on to Orlando. She is leaving before Christmas and returning way after New Year’s. What do you think of this?
She will be twenty in January so she is an ‘adult’. I am the one who is totally upset and cannot even listen to Christmas music yet without getting upset and crying. Am I overreacting? We have told her that it was her decision to go and her money for the ticket.
What really bothers us is that she made the plans without even thinking ‘ hey why don’t I go to Florida after the 25th so I can with Mom and Dad’. Has anyone else out there had a similar happening in their family. Thank you all for any words of wisdom
Dear Kelly,
Would you please help me to put this posting in a more obvious place. I realize now I am in the books and magazine category!
I would really like to get comments from other parents about my situation. I am really feeling down. Thank you
Dear Gene -
I saw your posting because of where it fell with my posting. My children are still young, so we have never experienced this type of situation. But, if you think she has RAD, then this behavior is totally in line with that disorder. Your daughter may not be capable of taking your feelings into account. I know that’s hard to hear, but people with RAD do not connect with others and their feelings in “normal” ways. They see what they want and need as first, foremost and sometimes the only consideration in their lives. The selfishness of my son absolutely stuns me sometimes! I don’t know what to suggest, but perhaps you could calmly explain that you love her and miss her and would like to see her. Often these kids don’t really understand why anyone would truly want to spend time with them. Don’t let her see how hurt you are because that could be used as a tool to manipulate you later, in my opinion. Either way, know that you are not the problem, nor how you parented her. She is damaged in a way that goes well beyond your abilities to truly manage and that in time and with patience, hopefully she will see herself as your daughter. Good luck.
Thank you so much for your advice- frazzledmom (or maybe it should be bedazzledmom!).
I was feeling sorry for myself and just needed to hear from people.
Yes, I do know that she makes rash decisions and now that she is a young ‘adult’ and has a salary she can buy plane tickets and fly away at Christmas time!
She is our daughter and we love her unconditionally and we are also the proud parents of 3 other young adults who would check with us first (!!!). Again, Thank you.
I have a subject that I can’t seem to find anywhere. My son is adopted, 11 years old, adopted at age 5, lived on the streets with birthmom for first 2 years and 3 in an orphanage all in Guatemala. He has RAD, ADHD, and a learning disability. From the day he arrived he never really attached especially to me (mom).He is now in major puberty and has turned his sexual urges on me. He put holes in the bathroom door and was watching me. He then tried putting holes in walls to watch me. Trust is all gone. I’m worried what the next few years will be like. He is in counseling but just started for this. He was in counseling before for other behavorial issues but this is just completely out of hand. He wants to me talk to me all the time about sex just to get his own gratification. The counselor says he is only seeing me as an object of gratification, not a mother. Has anyone had similar experiences.
Patty F
Yes – great book – our son keeps us hopping so much we have come up with a gazillion ideas on our own, but it’s a challenge to remember not to get upset at the things he does.
I also have a question – is there anyone kicking around from Ontario, Canada out here? If so – leave a comment so we can connect!
Take care and good luck!
The other night I decided we would have “bad manners night” with our adopted sibling group of four. The only rule was if you were going to eat at the dinner table you had to smack your lips, talk with your mouth full, burp and violate pretty much every rule of polite dining. There were even a few rounds of “lookie” where everyone turned to show their neighbor an open mouth full of chewed food. When this was first announced the oldest two (boy, 7 and girl,
who had worse table manners than the younger two, were visibly upset by the thought. They had obviously been thrown a curve they didn’t expect. Even licking the ice cream bowls after dessert was not off limits. That night I heard my wife and the oldest girl (our RAD child) laughing together in the bathroom, a sound I hadn’t heard very often in the nine months since placement. I just ordered this book on Amazon and am looking forward to more ways to keep the laughter in our home.
Kelly,
Thank you so much for writing this blog. I found your blog because I was looking up adoption and RADS because our son has it. He is much younger but sounds so much like Sammy. We adopted him at 7 and he is almost 10. He sees a social worker three times a week, a pyschologist once a week, a physciatrist once every three months now plus spends 60% of his school day in special services and receives counseling there too. He has been inpatient in a physciatric unit twice this year. He has been diagnosed first and foremost with RAD but also ADHD, PTSD, Conduct Disorder, Learning Disabilities, and now the best one I don’t know if there is any truth to it or not but he scored so badly in reading/language comprehension (he is an American child who has only ever known English) that if his IQ was based just on that half of the IQ test he would be considered mentally retarded. He is abusive to other children physically and worse yet sexually if given literally less then 20 seconds chance. He throws big bawling fits when he is upset, sets fires if he can find a way. Hurts animals. And the weird part is my husband and I think things are actually going pretty well for our family right now. I know that sounds horrible but it’s actually a million times better than it was 2 years ago. And with a kid like him its one day at a time. Thank you for writing this blog I just wish I would have found it 3 years ago so we would have known that we weren’t the only people dealing with a child like this. Also, to hear what you had to say about Hannah really gives me hope that one day we will have the opportunity to adopt one like her too. My husband and I had swore off anymore adoptions because we are gun shy of getting a second one like our son but you have shown us that there is hope.
My son to suffer from RADS.
He is now in residential care
and will not becoming home because he is a danger to our family and others. He came to live with us at the age of five with all the classic symptoms of RADS. We did not know what it was until he started acting out sexually in the home at 13 and became a real danger.
It is a terribly sad situation, but I take comfort in finding this site because the situation becomes so socially isolating for those of us going thru it.
Very few know anything about RADS.
I have been searching for years to find a similar story and here I have found many.
My son came from a mother that was a homeless, drugged, alcoholic and retarded women.
She also shared a home on occasion with a child sex offender. He came to the attention of child services at the age of two and was shuffled back and forth between foster homes,his mothers home and his fathers home many times until we got him at the age of five.
At this point the was very damaged, but became a great kid with a lot of work, until he hit puberty and it all fell apart.
I will definitely buy this book. I adopted a sibling group and my adopted son seemed normal at 3 but by the age of 7 he lost his little mind. It has taken 5 years for him to be diagnosed as a RAD kid. Now he is 12 going on 13. He is bipolar, has ADHD, oppositional defiant disorder, stress disorder and now RAD. He just does not seem to care about anything. He does not care about friends or TV or sports or us.
He is very difficult to live with. We have had to worry about him placing items on our space heaters. setting fires, stealing, lying, hurting his sister and our animals, damaging our property, he even tired to poison us when he was 7 because he could not watch a movie. I love him and care about him but when he is acting out I can not stand to be around him. It is sad because I know what he needs is to be around me but after all these years I have just lost the ability to deal with him when he is throwing a fit or acting out. Like other RAD parents I know he does not have the ability to care about any body else. He is very self centered.
I am glad that I am not alone in this frustration. Lately when he is behaving “ok” I know that it is not really ok because he is still acting like a 6 year old. He acts like a cartoon character, has over exaggerated movements, gets overly excited about little things like seeing cows while we are driving. My husband says let it go he is fine but I know it is still not normal and the over exaggerated carton movements really bother me.
I know they are better than him damaging our home but it is still weird.
Has anyone else had that experience?
I had not even thought ahead to puberty. He is very small for his age and seems to be no were near puberty. I have noticed that he will hang around any girl who will give him attention. They treat him like a puppy dog and I am concerned about his lack of self dignity.
I have been searching for a way to deal with him and this book seems like it will help. I need to find a way to have fun with him that will disarm his need to control our family fun time.
Mostly troubled teens are suffered by depression, anxiety, lack of confident level, discriminate with other normal teens. The troubled teens rebuilding centers provide various effective recreation programs to enrich and enhance the skills of troubled teens.
http://www.strugglingteen.net/
Dear All,
Have any of you even thought for a moment…
That these children suffer from all these disorders you describe..because they have been jerked around by this department that suppossedly protects children?
Or that their disorders are caused from being separated from their families?
I have a child that was diagnosed with RAD. From the very moment I found the birth parents and engaged my child in therapy I paid for (borrowed from my retirement account)with his BOI parents and his adopted parents (us) the symtoms of his RAD have just about dissapeared.
Mind you, I had alot of convincing to do with all parties (including the therapist especially)and it took almost six months for all parties to agree.
If I had it to do all over again..I would never have adopted through DSH. I have discovered information that would scare the snot out of each of you. The therapist is even shocked!
This is all about our son (theirs and ours)
My step-son suffers from Reactive Attachment Disorder and substance abuse. He is in a group home here in Monterey County, California. The bureaucracy in Monterey County refuses to recognize Reactive Attachment Disorder, preferring to blame us for being bad parents. The logic seems to be that if our child is unhappy and getting in trouble, it must be our fault. They are now suing us to terminate our parental rights. Our son in incorrigible, violent, and sociopathic. The group home staff could not deal with him and so sent him on to “transitional housing” where he is free to come and go as he pleases. They give him cash and turn him loose. Not surprisingly, he goes out and scores marijuana and crack, stays out late, then comes back to the “transitional housing” and crashes. This is what they call “appropriate treatment.” This is your tax dollars at work in Monterey County, California. This case has destroyed our family. Our child is being ground through the system and eventually into adulthood without any effective treatment or coping skills. His future is grim indeed and we are terrified of him and much afraid of what will become of him.
If anyone could recommend a lawyer in Monterey County who is willing to practice in the Dependency Court, that would help.
Ronald Steven Federici is often described as “the country’s expert in the neuropsychological evaluation and treatment of children having multi-sensory neurodevelopmental impairments.”
He is best described as a “developmental neuropsychologist,” specializing in the treatment of “institutional autism” (which he also calls “post-traumatic autism,” or “post-institutional autistic syndrome”).
Dr. Federici is licensed by the Virginia Board, and is the holder of a Psy. D. degree.
Dr. Ronald Federici is the author of “Help for the Hopeless Child: A Guide for Families, With Special Discussion for Assessing and Treating the Post-Institutionalized Child” and is the founder of Neuropsychological and Family Practice Associates, in McLean, Virginia.
He has worked with adopted children from Russia, Romania, Ukraine and Belarus. He is also the father to seven adopted children of his own.
Federici is also an outspoken opponent of dangerous practices, such as those resulting in the death of Candace Newmaker. In addition, he has also sought to provide as much assistance as possible to children living in orphanages and other institutions with deplorable conditions.
More information about Dr. Federici and his work can be found at:
http://ronaldfederici.wordpress.com (Ronald Federici blog)
http://ronfederici.wordpress.com (Ron Federici blog)
http://childrenintherapy.wordpress.com (Children in Therapy)
http://advocatesforchildrenintherapy.wordpress.com (Advocates for Children in Therapy)
http://angelinajolieadoptions.wordpress.com (Angelina Jolie’s adoptions; Dr. Federici is Angelina Jolie’s adoption consultant)
I need help for my son.
We have three children that we adopted. All from the same biological mother. The boys were 4 and 11 mos. when we took custody. A few years later, we took custody of our daughter when she was six days old.
The oldest boy is now 11 years old. Before he came into our home, he spent his first three years with his biological mother. I don’t know all the details. But I know enough to make my heart ache. He was shuffled from place to place so Mom could go party. There was meth, marijuana, alcohol, etc. He was severely abused. When the boys were removed from their mother they were living in a car. In February in the midwest. I don’t have to paint a picture of how cold that is. They were placed in a foster home. While they had a roof over their head, there were issues there as well. Poor nutrition, no set schedule, etc.
Anyway, our oldest struggled from the start. He had no idea what a “stranger” was. He didn’t understand consequences. He was mean to other kids. He would spit on the teachers at daycare. Refuse to follow rules. We saw a lot of things that I guess we chose to ignore. School was a nightmare. I would start each school year hopeful that this was going to be the year that everything “clicked”. And that everything would be OK.
About a year ago, things started to detoriate quickly. We knew something was going on with the boys. We just didn’t know what. Our oldest started having all kinds of attitude. He was beating up little kids. “Losing” homework and other belongings. Lying about the obvious, etc.
He went to school one day. Came in from recess and had marks on his arm. When asked where they came from he said, “My Mom did it”. This prompted an immediate police investigation. The three adults in our home were questioned. We all said the same thing – “He is not truthful. He will make things up to get out of trouble. He needs help”. My son was questioned four times in four days. Each time, he had multiple stories. Even adding that I beat him every week, I beat him in the head with a book, my husband hit him with a belt every week. Finally, law enforcement and HHS told us if I didn’t admit to leaving the marks on his arm our other children would be taken away and we wouldn’t see them again for a very long time.
We put our son into therapy immediately. We had to hire an attorney. I was charged with two misdemeanors. We were both charged with child abuse. Eventually, all of these charges were dropped. However, it became apparent that my son was going to need much more treatment than insurance was going to cover and we put him into state custody but kept him in our home. The final insult from the department was when the original case worker was getting ready to leave the department. On her last day, she added my name to the child abuse register. Even though all charges were dropped. Luckily, the attorneys involved in our case (our personal attorney, the GAL and county attorney) all wrote letters to request my name be removed. Which did happen.
I caught my older son molesting our younger son. He looked me right in the eye when I caught him and denied it. Still denies it to this day. He started masturbating constantly. Out in the open. He was sneaking out of his room at night. We had to put alarms on his bedroom door and windows to keep the other kids safe. We had him under 24/7 supervision. We had to know where the kids were at all times. And they could not be left alone for even a second. He would hurt younger kids at daycare. Words cannot begin to describe what is like to have to file a report with the local Sheriff’s department against your own child.
The summer wasn’t much fun. We requested respite care to give everyone a break. HHS denied our request. The judge in our case had to order it. It still took two weeks and two days’ worth of phone calls to receive a 48 hour break from the stress and anxiety.
The first psychologist we took him to said he was bi-polar and possibly had RAD and put him on anti-psychotic medication. When we researched RAD we were shocked. It was like they profiled our son to a “T”. The only symptom he does not exhibit is cruelty to animals. He actually loves animals and would rather spend time with animals than people. When he wasn’t making any improvement we took him to a new psychologist who confirmed the RAD. The psychologist also told me that my son was a psychopath.
Two months ago, we had to place our son in foster care until he could be placed in a treatment program. He had threatened our younger son that he was going to run away from school and find his brother and kill him. Mind you, this was under his breath in the backseat of the car on the way to school. He had mastered a way to get to his brother under our supervision.
We have now discovered that our son was sneaking out of his room at night and taking knives from the kitchen and threatening to stab his brother.
It has been ten weeks since an application has been submitted for him to receive intensive therapy. A suitable placement still cannot be located for our son. Every residential treatment facility and group home in our state has denied his application. There is not any treatment foster care available. We keep hearing the same things in the denials – He is too young. He is too agressive. He has sexual acting out. He has a high potential to start fires.
HHS still treats us like this all of our fault. I will never trust the department again. They have completely mishandled this case and refuse to make any apologies for it. We are on our third worker in seven months. When I complain about our treatment I am just told by the workers “I can’t make up for what another worker did”. I’ve even had a supervisor tell me “to get over it” and to “get on with my life”. They just refuse to listen or understand.
The “temporary” home my son has been placed in is a joke. There are younger children in the home. Despite the department being told repeatedly he cannot be around younger children. Three out of four weekends he is placed in respite because the foster mother “has things to do”. We still get my son to school every day, pack his lunch, provide all of his necessities, pay for activities, etc.
We have lost all faith in the process. Our legal bills keep building. We are over $5k already. Lost wages to get to court, appointments, assessments,keeping him at home when he “cycling” and a danger to others, etc. are even more. And we’ve been warned by the attorneys that HHS will soon file papers for us to start paying the state child support. We are to a point where we feel helpless. We’ve been told to prepare ourselves for the day when we see our son on the news because he has killed another person or people. I can no longer be left alone with him in case he “snaps” and hurts me. If he goes away to treatment, he could come home and possibly use more sophisticated weapons against us. (i.e. a steak knife instead of a butter knife). I will never be able to be alone with him in my home. We can’t even think about what he may do to our daughter if his sexual acting out gets worse.
It is obvious that he is not going to get the treatment he needs. The closest specialists are 200-400+ miles away. (we live in a rural area). HHS refuses to move him that far away from us. There isn’t a foster home around that will provide the 24-hour supervision he needs and get him to his therapy appointments. We can’t bring him home because he is a danger to everyone in our family.
I still love my son despite all of this. I cry every day. When I see him and he hasn’t showered in 4 days or brushed his teeth, it kills me. His current foster Mom feels that “he’s eleven – he should know what to do”. And he doesn’t. RAD kids don’t understand what is expected of them. They have to be told. Again and again and again. Every single day. My son is a 40 on the GAF scale. I don’t know how he will make it through life. And he won’t care if I am in it or not. But I do.
Some guidance, suggestions, anything would be greatly appreciated. We are at a fork in the road and we have to make a decision which direction we’re going to take.