Continued from previous blog…



My back was killing me and I needed to lie down, so Amy and I retreated to my bedroom. I left the lights off and stretched out on the floor, figuring it reduced stress to talk in the dark! Amy then continued with her questions about what it would take to revisit reestablishing communication (via letters) with her birthmom. The original communication came as a result of me paying the international placing agency and essentially forcing them to do what they had been paid to do. The agency’s rules stipulated international adoptions could be “opened” before the child turned 18 if the child had documented mental health or physical issues. I provided copious documentation that my daughter had mental health issues. Still, the agency stalled, but I pushed. Their handling of the situation was a metaphor for our dealings with them all along… when they had a packet of information ready to send, they would only send it to her therapist, not me. I was competent to live with her and parent her for a decade and a half, but apparently not competent to share important information with her by myself. The irony was, by the time they finally reestablished contact with the birthmom, Amy had refused to participate in therapy any more. So the therapist just sent the stuff on to me.


I shared parts of it with Amy at that time, but she didn’t seem interested in knowing more. It was one of those “run from my issues” deals… and that has always, always been her preferred approach to difficulties of any kind. When she moved out a few months ago, I gave her the whole package. And about this time last year, she received a call from the post-adoption worker at the agency. They had a long talk, and I spoke with the worker also. I was very blunt about my daughter’s issues and lack of participation in the family for her entire tenure in our home. The worker left Amy with the option of pursuing more contact. The agency was quite surprised that Amy had not pursued it any farther already.


So now, a year later, Amy told me she recognizes that her birthmom also “runs from her issues”. Amy drew this accurate conclusion based on information provided in the packet. Amy also stated she feels a need to pursue this now, and if she doesn’t do it soon she’ll “chicken out”. So together we will pursue this, although the ball is currently in her court. We talked about the various scenarios that might play out and what her bottom-line intent was in pursuing this. What does she hope to gain or learn or accomplish? I don't think she really knows at this point.


From here we talked about many other things...


Much more coming...

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