The placement of the teenage girl into our family in the mid-90’s disrupted after 6 months. I think I could parent that young lady today… I would know far more about what to expect going into the relationship, and I have built a considerable support network around me. But those “luxuries” were not available to my family ten years ago. Our family was in so much distress with the two troubled children we were already parenting. We should never have been allowed to even consider adopting at that point, let alone disrupting birth order and taking on a teenager. We had just moved 600 miles; built a home; added an older, troubled child within the past year; and my husband had started a new job… 4 of the top 10 family stressors! But once again… we didn’t know what we didn’t know.


After she left, we limped along with Tommy and Amy. Within three years of his arrival in the United States, Tommy was in long-term residential care. This was a necessary move following aggression to people, pets and property. This was our “sweetie boy who just needed a family to love him.” (Quote from his paperwork.)


Amy was flatlining along, no change. I remember being completely frustrated and yes, angry, about how this adoption experience had completely altered the trajectory of my life. I had such high hopes, such enthusiastic dreams, of integrating these kids into our family. One was off in residential doing all kinds of unspeakable things to himself and others, and the other was home in complete shutdown and sending a clear message that the world was a horrible place and she was its most abused victim. Kyle and Stephanie were fun, on-target, motivated young people who were a delight to be around. They were less in need of intense parenting... I looked around and wondered, “Is this how it is to end?”


Early in 1999 I was glancing through an adoption magazine. Suddenly I hear myself announce to my husband, “What I really want is a Chinese baby girl!” He nearly choked…


To be continued...