One of the conference attendees I met at the NACAC conference was an adult adoptee, not too many years younger than I. I’ll call her Mary. She was a Florida native and her early history unfolded in that same state, in an era when foster parents were not allowed to adopt and even less was known about attachment, bonding and child development. She is currently a GAL, or Guardian ad Litem, working in the child welfare arena.


When she was an infant, she was placed in a foster home that consisted of deaf and non-speaking parents and a deaf child. She stayed in that placement for three years until someone noted that she didn’t speak and didn’t know her own name! Can you imagine? So she was placed in another foster home where the foster parents worked very, very hard to get her up to speed. Three and one half years later, the foster parents became pregnant and because they were not allowed to adopt, she was moved! Once again, can you imagine that? A nurse who was acquainted with Mary at that time wanted to adopt her, but single parents were also not allowed to adopt. But because Mary had so many issues as a child, no one else was interested, so eventually the single mom was allowed to adopt her. (By this time the mom had moved to Utah and she was the first single parent adoption in that state, ever.) They have a good relationship now, and Mary names her mom as the person she has the most intimate relationship with at this time.


The reason I know that Mary considers her mom as her closest relationship (even though Mary is married) is because we talked about her attachment and trust issues that are getting worse instead of better. Mary states she is constantly waiting for “the other shoe to drop” and has a feeling of anxiousness at all times. When I told her about Beth’s purging of pain every few months, Mary immediately noted how fortunate Beth is that she can wade through it and get past it. And so I questioned Mary about her interest or willingness in getting attachment therapy as an adult, and perhaps working with a therapist and her mom to learn how to become more open and vulnerable in relationships.


I know I am preaching to the choir, but this stuff just doesn’t go away.


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