From the minute they arrived home with Beth, her first adoptive family struggled. The mom knew something wasn’t quite right, but she couldn’t find anyone to help her figure it out. Five months after coming home from China she gave birth to a physically matching, emotionally similar child to her and her husband. She had not yet “connected” with Beth, and Beth’s first dad assumed much of the responsibility for Beth’s care. But that was essentially unsuccessful, as he was gone at work all day.


They started through a succession of physicians and therapists, searching for the reason why their family dynamics were so poor. They received all the usual platitudes, and no answers. Finally a therapist who was mentored by a retired physician who knew about ADN referred them to me.


By the time they reached me, they had been struggling for over two years. Beth was nearing 3 years old, and the mom was pregnant with their second child. The mom could hardly stand to be in the same room with Beth, and I knew exactly what that felt like. I had “been there, done that” with Amy. I made no judgments about their parenting abilities, but recognized the unmistakable dynamics of a family affected by RAD.


I first laid eyes on Beth when I kept her for a weekend of respite. She was lost. She was also manipulative and cunning, but she had a vulnerability about her that I had never seen in Amy. Over the two days I kept her, I had an unexpected visit from our foster care caseworker. His eyes landed on Beth who was perched on my hip, and then he looked up at me and said, “Not your average respite kid, is she?” He could tell by my response to her, and hers to me, that we were “hooked.” Still, Beth’s first family had yet to make a decision about what they were going to do. We had just connected, and not had any time to formulate a plan. While my instincts, as well as several overt signs of discord, led me to believe they were on the path to disruption, I was not about to lead them there. It was no different than when I was in veterinary practice and was faced with helping clients make tough decisions. I needed to be compassionate and knowledgeable and supportive, but they needed to make the decisions. But it certainly complicated things when I realized I wanted to parent Beth if they disrupted.

To be continued...