It has been an insane day thus far. Dora awoke in a foul mood (come to think about it, she went to bed that way, too!); Beth is exhausted from a really tough swim practice last night, and therefore quite grumpy; Best Buy canceled my umpteenth repair on my washing machine and rescheduled for Friday (the washer is now working, but the “new” drain pump they installed vibrates something fierce, so they are going to replace it again—and this makes me grumpy!); and lastly I spent time on the phone this morning with a majorly stressed out mom.

The tearful mom is a local gal, referred to me by someone in our local Metro Adoption Council. Four weeks ago, this mom and her husband and three kids welcomed home a 9-year-old boy from Korea. This placement was facilitated by two large, well-known, long-term agencies. One of these agencies was involved in all of my family’s adoptions as well—both our direct adoptions (three of them) as well as Beth’s placement with her first family. When I asked mom about pre-adoption preparation and post-adoption support, her response was something about "online training." I didn't ask more than that ... presumably since the local adoption worker referred the family to me, they weren't going to get much other post-adoption support. What a shock ...

This mom was tearful because her new son was quite the wild child. He did not listen at all. He was into everything. He was aggressive and full of rage and melting down regularly. There was obviously a language barrier. When she tried to hold him, he hit, squirmed, and hurt her. Mom repeatedly commented on how much she wanted this placement to work. One of her other children had already leapt to her defense and informed this new child that he was not allowed to hurt their mom.

The school had told the mom that her new son could not have both an IEP and ESL services--he could have one or the other. Bogus. However, there were bigger fish to fry than the school right now …

Mom indicated she wasn’t a fast reader and didn’t have much time to read (who would?!) and therefore I suggested Love and Logic tapes/CD’s as well as Nancy Thomas audio materials. I referred her to my fabulous local therapist and encouraged her to send an immediate SOS email to the therapist. I sent her to the ATN website and encouraged her to join one of ATN’s listserves to get additional, immediate support and parenting encouragement from other folks doing the same thing. I suggested she reduce her expectations of her day down to obtaining the most basic compliance from this child. I suggested she not worry about school at all until after her family leave expires, at which time she will return to work as a cook in her child’s school and he can be there with her. Before she has another dealing with the school, I encouraged her to call Julie Beem and have Julie script the conversation, putting the school on notice that this mom has done her due diligence and the school will be obliged to provide appropriate services.

I know this family has a very rough road ahead. I have had these kinds of conversations so many times before. I feel so powerless to offer anything that will make an immediate difference … but at least this mom now knows she is not alone.

Photo Credit