Imagine my surprise to check in on my blog tonight and find a message from “Amy”, who used her real name, signed in and dressed me down in a comment. A previous blog sported another comment from “fearless” who sounds even more like my very disgruntled son, Tommy. Some of my family members are of the opinion that Tommy talked Amy into commenting. Who knows.
In “fearless’s” latest comment, he/she (?) stated “I hope you learn to forgive him for things you have both done to each other.” Additionally, he states he didn’t accuse me of being “a mad mother to the other three”, only to the two I “couldn’t control.” It appears he believes the difficulty in those relationships was solely due to “my issues” and had nothing to do with the kids … and yet there is that comment about “things you have both done to each other.” So which is it? Either I was mean and controlling, or the kids had something to do with it but I wasn’t allowed to have any feelings or reactions to what they did (or didn’t) do.
First of all, I am hurt, I am wounded, I am frustrated, and I am depressed and yes, somewhat resentful over the way things unfolded with Tommy and Amy. But incapable of “forgiving” them? No. I have thought a great deal about “Member’s” recent comment that Amy’s “crime” is rejecting my love. And about “Member’s” fear that the “punishment” I meted out was blasting Amy on my blog. I write about my pain because I feel it, it is real, and I seriously doubt I am the only parent of an attachment-affected child who feels the way I do. Whether or not I write about it, I feel it. My mom flat-out stated she couldn’t “put it all out there” the way I do. Most folks can’t. I don’t know why I can. What I do know is what I feel and what I write resonates with others in my shoes. We can’t all be making this up. We can’t all be feeling our feelings in a vacuum. We surely can’t all be “failing” with our kids because we “can’t control them.” But I get that expressing my pain is quite uncomfortable for the individuals who had much to do with creating that pain. I will honor Amy’s request to not write about her “adult” life. But Lord knows I am not looking to be involved. I didn’t solicit the frantic phone call from Amy’s boyfriend’s mom. Must’ve been something about Amy that prompted this mom to do her own research. How is that because of me?
Does “fearless” really believe things didn’t work with Tommy and Amy because I “couldn’t control them”?
I am having a hard time writing a coherent blog because of all the thoughts swirling through my head. I’m trying to meld my memories of kids who were so angry they were dangerous, or so shut down they didn’t bathe but wouldn’t take medication or participate in therapy to make improvements, with the concept that things didn’t work because I “couldn’t control them.” I’m trying very hard not to dredge up the past, dwell on poor choices made by the kids in question, or absolve myself of any responsibility for the outcome of these two failed relationships, but I can’t help but question why other areas of these two individuals’ lives are so challenging for them if the problem was all me. Tommy only lived with my family for about one-eighth of his life. How is it that his problems and issues are all because of my treatment of him?
My folks read Amy’s comment and their response was acknowledgment of how angry she is with me. And for what? Because I expected things of her? Like bathing, basic money management, some academic interest, just a whit of acknowledgment of all she received by living in our home? Are those such terrible expectations?
I have to chew on this some more. More thoughts to come. What do you all think?