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Dora completed her required bags of manure last night and came inside much calmer and more relaxed. She cleaned up and joined me in the “lower level” while I worked at arranging new furniture and completing the transformation from “unfinished basement” to family room.
One of the boxes I retrieved from the unfinished side of the basement contained the Cabbage Patch dolls that once occupied a space in our rec room, but were stashed in a box for several years due to frequent moves. These dolls represent my kids: Kyle and Steph, Tommy and Amy, Beth, and Big Amanda, our former foster daughter (“Big” as opposed to another foster daughter who was here for awhile, “Little Amanda”.) I wonder if I should go find one for Marie?
I placed the dolls in a visible but out-of-the-way location in the new rec room, behind the sectional couch. When I was finished, I called Dora over to view the display.
I said, “If you had a doll that represented you, where do you think it should go? Here with the rest of them, down at the end of the couch, in the bathroom, on the unfinished side of the basement … or someplace else?”
She thought about it briefly and said, “On the unfinished side of the basement.”
I said, “OK, follow me.” She followed me to the unfinished side where I picked up an unopened box containing the new Asian Cabbage Patch doll I had purchased over a week ago. The box was upside down in another box … on the unfinished side.
I said, “It just so happens that on the unfinished side is exactly where your doll is right now, so when you think she’s ready to join the family, you let me know!”
The look on Dora’s face was priceless. She had no idea I already had a doll.
While I continued to work downstairs, she hung her head over the back of the couch and eyeballed those dolls. About 15 minutes later she said, “Excuse me, Mom … when you get a moment, do you think you could move my doll to the bathroom?”
I said, “No, she’s where you wanted her to be originally … she’s fine until she’s ready to join the family!”
Nothing more was said.
During our rocking time, Dora volunteered that she always feels much better after her screaming sessions when shoveling manure. She acknowledged that her throat hurt from screaming, but she really does feel better when she lets it out. I guess in her mind, she has a good enough excuse to complain when she doesn’t want to shovel manure, and that makes it “OK” to let ‘er rip. Whatever she needs to tell herself, it is fine with me. I notice a huge difference in her after she does that chore, so we will continue to do what works.
I’ll let you know when the Dora doll decides to hang out with the rest of the doll family!
Photo Credit Nancy Spoolstra
Yes, Marie needs a doll. She DID join the family and her doll would want to be with the other dolls.
It will be interesting to see if Dora tries to inflict her pain onto her doll before letting her join the family. Interesting.
Lucy
You amaze me with your ideas!
Perhaps dolls are best for playing with.
On a more important subject, why all this pressure for children newly entering a home to trust and love? I’m really startled by this. That doesn’t seem to be teaching them what trust and love are all about. I’m sure it takes time for children, as anyone else, to learn that others are worthy of trust and love. If the child hasn’t learned who mum is and how she reacts in various circumstances, wouldn’t the child *automatic* show of trust and love in mum really have little value? Surely parents want to be loved for more than just providing room and board. (Doesn’t that really equate with the superficial Disneyland parenting?) It seems that love and trust are things to be earned — and that the gentle approach would be a better for children adjusting to a new living situation. Like training a squirrel to eat peanuts out of your hand. People are normally turned off by others who are insistant on their affections. Pressuring children to love and trust just has to be counter-productive. Who’s idea was this? Where did it come from?
Especially considering Dora’s age, the dolls are a wonderful illustration to her, as well as a tool to help her in her quest to be healthy. Here is hoping that Dora’s doll is ready to join the family very soon!
Nancy -
Next time you need a road trip – bring the girls down to visit us here in GA and we’ll drive up to the Cabbage Patch hospital – it’s kinda campy, but it’s a free tour and there are births of dolls from the cabbage patch every few minutes!
mater, I might be out in left field but my take on it from watching this unfold…
A) Dora has been there since August. Hardly new to the home.
But B) If you are intervening in a person’s life to help them get better, you don’t keep waiting to do it. You do it! It would be like someone going in for rehab and then saying, well, they aren’t ready to get off drugs so let’s give them the drugs for 6 months here in rehab and then we’ll work on it. And at what point is soon enough? 3 days? 6 months? A year?
Nancy is NOT forcing Dora to show affection for the family. She is demonstrating what a loving, trusting family is like (by having Dora live with one where that’s true) and encouraging her to love and trust. But she certainly doesn’t require her to love her. You can’t force someone to love or trust you–Amy is proof that Nancy doesn’t require it. She requires basic civility, manners, grooming, etc.