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Another reader question concerned how does a therapist assess a child’s attachment to new parents, or potential capacity for attachment? If new adoptive parents take their newly arrived child to an attachment therapist, what would the therapist hope to see? A very good question!
In my last post (about kids being stressed when mom leaves the room) I qualified my answer by stating I see nearly everything through attachment-colored glasses. I must qualify this answer by reminding my readers I am a parent highly educated about attachment, but not a therapist. However, I have had numerous “new families” to my home to help them start connecting with their child, and I have developed a sense of what to look for. I can also attend gatherings of adoptive families and tell you fairly quickly whose kids are struggling with some serious issues. Now that I think about it, I can also attend school or church functions and tell you the families where the kids (no matter how they joined the family) rule the roost, not the parents!
So, back to the question at hand. When I have a new mom bring her child to my home, one of the first things I look for is any sense that the child recognizes the parent as an authority/protective/nurturing figure. Does the child immediately go into “mom-shopping” mode and try and manipulate me? Even a toddler can turn on the charm like a switch. I experienced this from Day One with Amy.
I observe the child for signs of hypervigilance. Is the child tense? Is the relationship between parent and child tense, or relaxed? If the child melts down, does mom know what to do? Is she attuned to her child, no matter what the child’s mood might be? Is MOM relaxed?
What about eye contact? Will the child give good eye contact frequently, occasionally or not at all? Will the child allow mom to hold him, or struggle as if he was being tortured? Is there any hint of “stranger danger” where the child runs to mom for comfort or protection? Or is the child oblivious or convinced he must manage the situation himself?
Ahh, and CONTROL. That is a big one. Is the child very controlling, even if in very subtle ways? Does the child endeavor to control every interaction in some capacity? A child so unwilling to relinquish control has some very real attachment issues. An equally important question is whether or not the parents recognize the degree to which the child is controlling. Until the parents can establish they are strong enough and smart enough to be in charge, the child will not relinquish control.
These are just some of the things I personally use to assess the relationship between parent and child.
Thank you for posting this information. I’ve never thought about attachment before – but we are starting a new journey (hopefully) into foster adoption and might be signs we need to recognize in the future.
So, if your kid does not do some of the things you mention, how much does that factor in?
I try not to be naive, but I have had several experts (social workers who specialize in adoption) suggest that much of our struggle with our son is from the fact that he was totally spoiled and almost idolized in his foster family and not disciplined at all. They feel his attachment seems pretty good.
I took him somewhere the other day, group of Moms meeting about a club thing for our older boys. The Mom said the younger kids could go play, like all of them, M stayed right by my side and wouldn’t leave. After the meeting, the older kids started playing and at that point, M went nearby and played with some younger kids at the lego table.
He was cooperative, but still clingy to some extent.
I guess it’s just so hard not knowing, am I being naive, overly optimistic, or is he making progress?
Johnna