This is the first chance I have had in three days to sit down and write a blog. Although the washer repairman was supposed to come last Thursday, I received a call an hour before the scheduled appointment, informing me they didn’t have the part and wouldn’t be coming. I haven’t yet received a new appointment time … so of course, I still have no washer. Thursday night, I schlepped 6 loads next door to my neighbor's house and brought them home to dry in my still-functioning dryer. A highly inefficient way to do laundry ... not to mention that we live on five acres and my neighbor is not very close.

Friday morning brought a fridge repairman (the freezer frosts up periodically) and a couple of guys to make bids on tinting large picture windows. In between dealing with all these guys, I started Beth back on schoolwork again. Friday mid-day was therapy for Dora, and she has much to process after the holidays regarding her losses and gains. I am usually as wiped out as she is after therapy. Also on Friday, I had a friend visit and spend the night. We stayed up much too late talking.

My husband and Beth left very early Saturday morning for a swim meet for Beth. Shortly after my friend left late Saturday morning, my husband, the girls and I met Kyle and Marie at a local animal shelter and finalized their acquisition of a new dog. “Bishop” is an awesome male Rottweiler who is as sweet and mellow as he can be. I am happy to report my “Granddog” will be visiting us often! After leaving the shelter, we rushed home, collected our dogs, and met the kids at a local park to walk the whole canine crew. After that we ate dinner at the kids’ place and then came home and got the girls to bed.

Beth and I were at the second day of her swim meet by 6:30 AM this morning, met the rest of the family for lunch, and came home and took a nap. Then I walked 3-4 miles, rocked a couple of tired girls, and here I am. I’m sorry I haven’t had a chance to respond to the comments and questions. I am hoping this week is a little easier.

Let me start by addressing Bipette’s situation. She is dealing with a teen boy who presents behaviors related to attachment and trauma, superimposed over “normal’ teen posturing. She says, “To admit to needing or wanting us is to admit to trusting us…and he trusts no one. How do we get him past this?”

He has developed his coping mechanisms and distancing behaviors after years of neglect, loss and trauma issues. You aren’t going to “get him past it” any time soon. Probably not during the time he lives with you … even if that time period is a year or more, he will not leave your home a healed young man. Healthier, hopefully, but not healed. All you can do is do your best … but don’t set yourself up with unrealistic expectations. As much as you want to impact this young man, you can’t hold more Units of Concern than he does. Perhaps the seeds you are planting will grow elsewhere if he does, indeed, blow out of your home. Perhaps he will leave and return. He has to want what you offer more than he wants out from under the accountability. He has to be willing to invest in himself before your investment will pay any dividends.

I think he indicated he wanted what you offered more than he wanted out from under the accountability when he came home by curfew. But you worked way too hard after that. And your good intentions ultimately resulted in more conflict for him. I would have made some very simple statement that you were glad to see him, and left him alone after that. No “good cop” routine … it sends a message that he needs to be coddled and/or rewarded for making a choice that is clearly in his own best interest. Of course he should have made that choice! Don’t take some of his responsibility away from him by “congratulating” him on doing what he should have done anyway. A simple statement tells him you noticed, you’re pleased, he’s wise, end of discussion. Let him lick his wounded pride (the cost of his compliance) in his room in peace, and don’t take it personally when he sooths his wounded pride by denigrating you to his friends. As another reader pointed out … he acknowledged your “power” over him by returning on time!

Please don't think I am criticizing your response, because I am not. You are a giving, caring mom, and that is precisely why you are working so hard. This job just requires some different skills!

I’ll address parental PTSD this week.

Photo Credit: Bishop during his final minutes in the stark setting of an animal shelter!