Recently a mom on another forum asked how to discern the difference between attachment issues, abandonment issues and anxiety issues. In my opinion, they are variations of the same thing… fear that something bad is going to happen.


I have a friend who has two daughters. My friend had to be away from her first child for two long years when her daughter was between one and three years old. When my friend returned to her daughter, her child “punished” her. The child was angry. Underneath her anger were fear, pain and loss.


Soon after her family was reunited, my friend gave birth to her second daughter.


Fast forward ten years. My friend and her youngest daughter are glued at the hip, much like Beth and me. However, her relationship with her oldest daughter is less secure. Before I knew any of this history, the oldest daughter commented on how “tight” I am with Beth… and she noted how her mom and sister are the same way. There was something about the comment that sent up red flags for me. The older girl sees what her mom and sister share… she wants the same intimacy… but how to get there?


I learned the older child will solicit hugs from mom when mom is on the phone or otherwise occupied. We call those safe hugs. Hugs where the child controls the moment, knowing the parent is unable to really engage. The child wants the intimacy, but is afraid of the vulnerability. (Amy used to come up behind me and hug me from the back!)


The youngest daughter knows no such fear. No one left her. She has no history that tells her, beware, the folks you love may be gone at any time.


Kids who have experienced loss cannot erase that knowledge from their mind. Something bad has happened to them, and might happen again. They will always need more reassurance than someone who has never experienced loss. Hopefully, some day their mind will be able to overrule their heart when those fears rise up in their throats… but until they get old enough and healthy enough to calm themselves, they will need additional assurance from us. How long that takes depends on many variables, including the child’s genetics, trauma history, and the safety and structure of their environment.


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