A couple of weeks ago I submitted a story for inclusion in a Chicken Soup book. The book is Chicken Soup for the Adopted Soul and I suggested to Beth that she submit something as well.


Just as we were leaving for our vacation last week (while I was frantically packing and making arrangements for a boatload of pets) Beth sat down at the computer and cranked out an “article”. Here are excerpts from what she wrote:

Adoption can be easy to understand or hard to understand but it is not easy for the kids that are adopted to face the difficulties that they face in school or in families where they don’t belong in. Kids who are adopted can face meanness at school or troubles at home trying to tell their parents how they feel. Sometimes the kid might just want to tell you but can’t find the words to describe their feelings. If you see stress in your child’s eyes when trying to tell you something don’t just ignore it but say something that can tell your child to not be afraid and to tell you why and how they are feeling. This can bring a connection to your child right away if the child knows that he/she is trusted and can blurt out everything without feeling nervous or angry. This can be hard if the child does not feel comfortable with their family or the parents do not understand or do not want to understand. This way is very bad for children to grow.

My amazing ten year old daughter went on to say …

Adoption doesn’t just mean all the bad stuff; it means that the child is unique. Unique is nothing to be ashamed of because it means you are what you want to be. Unique can be all sorts of things, like maybe you were adopted or you have a special talent …


… Do you want your kid to get bullied by another kid and then come home with a black eye and parents who just flat out ignore him? This is the way some of the kids in adoption have their life spent with no one to trust and an enemy at school … This can turn your child against you for fear of being turned back and forgotten about again or yet again not being able to show their feelings to you … This is what happens that is so dangerous that you can lose your child forever in the loss and sadness of being adopted.

I am in awe of what she wrote, but I have to say it was her closing admonition that really cinched it for me …

So to stop all this from happening you can contact someone who knows what they are doing like the Attachment Trauma Network can be very useful. This is a group that has experienced children who have problems and love to help them. So don’t just sit around waiting for your child to get more messed up get up and call the ATN (Attachment Trauma Network)!

Number for Nancy Spoolstra is _________ ATN is waiting for you!

So are you blown away? I was! And so was Mary. She said, “I feel exactly like she wrote … every single part of it!” So my ten year old is apparently speaking for lots of other adoptees.


It was interesting because Mary and her husband read Beth’s article while sitting at the table at my parents’ home. We all ate dinner at a restaurant and then returned to my folks’ house for dessert. After Mary and her husband left, my dad said, “She does have some issues! But we all have issues!”


How funny for him to say that. He did have issues from his family of origin. And he has (in)effectively buried them for about 7 decades. He doesn’t have to deal with difficult emotions because he simply doesn’t deal …! I love my dad to pieces but he wouldn’t have a clue how to tackle an issue. He doesn’t grasp the significance of the losses associated with adoption. Not even after watching us struggle with our emotionally disturbed kids and watching the birth and growth of the Attachment & Trauma Network.


And therein lies the problem. So few folks do grasp it. And that is precisely why there are still parents all across the country who have no idea how to parent their grieving infant or toddler; who still think they essentially acquired a “blank slate” that is ripe for filling up with adoptive family experiences; and who will perhaps raise another Mary who has to wait two decades before anyone draws any correlation between her trust issues and her adoption. How sad is that?

I will continue to be in contact with Mary. I have strongly suggested she spend lots of time reading all the amazing perspectives shared on adoption.com blogs, by all members of the triad. And she is considering attending our conference this August and perhaps becoming involved in ATN in a resource capacity. I hope she does ... she has much to offer.

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