I’m finally seeing my way clear to start addressing some of the questions that have landed in my mailbox. I’ll start with the first one I received (with apologies for being so slow to the reader who sent in the question, and with appreciation for your patience!)

The question concerned two children adopted over three years ago, who are now ages 6 and 4. Apparently both children become very concerned whenever mom leaves the room. Mom states, “They still don't seem to have any core assurance that I won't disappear on them.” Pertinent additional information includes the fact that the 6 year old has half-day kindergarten; the 4 year old is in daycare two days a week and the children are with a nanny one day a week.


First, I must be up-front in declaring I see everything through attachment-tinted glasses. I didn’t used to, but I do now. Before I had a clue about attachment issues, I remember leaving Stephanie in a home-based daycare one or two days a week when I was still practicing veterinary medicine. When both Kyle and Stephanie were first born, we had an in-home provider and I came home at lunch and nursed the kids. So Kyle had almost no daycare experience and Stephanie was about 3 when she first “left home” for daycare. I remember her carrying on something fierce for awhile, although I don’t remember how long she persisted in that response. I only worked out of the home two days a week, and the other three weekdays they were with me all the time.


My instincts (and this mom’s instincts too, I believe, based on the quote above) tell me that the kids are still anxiously attached. While there may be a component of “age and stage” at work here, I think they truly are NOT convinced she will return for them each time.


My suggestion would be to really increase the attachment parenting, which means (this might be an unpopular opinion) reducing or eliminating the out of home care. Since the summer is upon us, I would NOT put the kids with any other providers unless absolutely, positively necessary. Instead, I would suggest this mom spend ALL summer with those kiddos glued to her hip. If that isn’t possible, I would certainly do it to the fullest extent possible. I’m not sure if this mom works outside the home, but if at all possible, I would not allow anyone else to care for these kids all summer except mom and, to a lesser extent, dad. The stakes are quite high…

Have more questions for me? I'm having entirely too much fun with these animations, aren't I?
radblog@adoptionmail.com or nancy@radzebra.org