Part One

Continuing on with my thoughts on the steel box with a velvet lining…


It is my opinion that when we don’t have reasonable, and yes, perhaps even high expectations of our kids, we are sending messages of incompetence and we are undermining our child’s confidence. I blogged about it before; one post is here.


Our kids often feel like throw-away kids. Biological parents either couldn’t or wouldn’t care for them. Of course, you and I know there are often very good reasons why kids end up adopted or in care… but there are quite often many situations where the child’s welfare was clearly not anyone’s priority. So how could some of our kids not feel devalued?


If we send nonverbal messages that our kids are not capable of performing, or if we rescue and enable our children, we only reinforce their internal negative working model that tells them they are incompetent and incapable. If we don’t believe in them, how can they believe in themselves?


Of course, this is the same subject that I have been writing about of late in reference to my difficulty in rejoicing when Amy appears to put out some effort. If I don’t have confidence in her, will she have confidence in herself? But if I allow myself to raise my hopes and expectations that she will accomplish a stated goal, I am setting myself up for disappointment yet again. This is the other side of the same coin...


Having reasonable expectations and sending messages of competency doesn’t mean a parent has to do the happy dance when their kid does some every day expectation that “normal” kids do without constant praise. Throwing a party because your kid made their bed sends a message that making their bed is some huge accomplishment for which they should get a day off school or fifty bucks…like they aren’t capable of performing tasks others do all the time.


And along that line of thinking, is it really my job to do the happy dance if Amy graduates high school? Of course I’ll be glad she obtained that diploma, but is she doing it for me or for herself? In a normal parent/child relationship, the entire family would rejoice as a unit when one member accomplishes some milestone like high school graduation. But we are not talking normal parent/child relationship here. Amy has yet to claim herself, much less claim me. Before I can rejoice in her successes, she must rejoice in them. And to do that, she must accomplish things on her own and gain her own sense of competence and confidence… I certainly cannot inject it into her. But I needn’t feed her sense of inadequacy by expecting nothing of her, either.


What do you think?

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