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In my recent blog about Why do placements disrupt?, a reader commented … I miss the confident, optimistic, minimally cynical person I used to be.
I didn’t have a chance to address the comment immediately, but that thought has been washing around in my head, much like Pat Johnston’s comment that I answered in the previous blog.
Confidence, optimism, cynicism … where do I start? My confidence probably has suffered the least of the three, but there were certainly several years where I was too overwhelmed to even trust myself, much less expect others would trust me or have confidence in me. Now I am to the point where I know what I know and I trust my instincts and if others don’t get it, that’s fine … but move out of the way. That was pretty much my approach to the school about Dora. I didn’t want to fight them, but I wasn’t going to dance with them either. I was confident that I could back up my beliefs, and if they didn’t get the big picture, oh well. I am most definitely not the rattled, overwhelmed, PTSD puddle that they kicked while I was down ten years ago.
Losing my optimistic view and feeling cynical in my approach to many things … that’s the pits. I often think about how I felt when we learned some disturbing facts about Amy’s biology. I couldn’t decide if I should feel validated or depressed. Validated because it was becoming clearer why I had not had any more impact on her life or her behavior; depressed because the future looked grim indeed. I had tried to stay optimistic … if you don’t have hope, what do you have? But to hold out hope for change that can’t or won’t occur, is that realistic? Can we exist day to day, wishing for something that isn’t going to happen? Julie and I had this conversation today … we have altered realities, and the sooner we live in those realities, the happier we’ll be. I think one of the big keys here is to identify that which we can change, and that which we can’t. Some folks will call us cynical for deciding that some things we can’t change, but I call that pragmatic. If we quit trying to change something over which we have no control, we’ll be much happier. If the “other party” decides to change, that’s terrific. But WE can’t MAKE them change.
I think our flagging optimism is because our optimism is still only our optimism … if the other player(s) in our game make poor choices, our optimism counts for very little. One can hope for the best, but after not seeing it materialize day after day, it becomes harder and harder to maintain an optimistic attitude, never mind apply an optimistic approach to other arenas in our lives.
We’re not optimists, we’re realists.
At least after you’ve lost your optimism and become cynical, you still have the opportunity to be pleasantly surprised every now and then. Recently I stumbled across the phrase “hope is disappointment delayed”. This phrase has probably been around forever, but this was the first time I’d heard of it. I’ve lived my life by this type of thinking for the past 20 yrs, and while many would probably say “that is really sad”, at least you don’t go through life in constant pain. And as I said, you are sometimes pleasantly surprised, which is awesome.
“Hope is disappointment delayed.”
I LOVE that phrase. Thanks for sharing!
I like to think of it as disillusioned. Initially it sounds negative, but if you think about it, do you really WANT to live with your illusions? They are after all…not real. So we become disillusioned, when we realize that what we thought was real, or could be real, is not. And what IS real, is frequently not what we would have chosen for ourselves or our loved ones. But then how do you go on without becoming bitter and angry? THAT is the million dollar question!
I find it particularly difficult to manage my anger and frustration at seeing one child embrace change and healing, while another throws it back in your face. Both children are being given the same opportunities, but only one takes it and flies. The other is determined to just sit in the dirt and feel sorry for themselves. My compassion and warmth wears thin. But then, I guess this happens with plenty of bio children as well.
Yes, we do live in altered realities, but is it necessary to live in those realities? What I mean is…. obviously we all have kids with their own brand of uniqueness, and we have to deal with that. In that sense, we can and must live in that reality. But to wallow in it and not move through the process of parenting our children would be counter productive. We must not allow our joy, hope, confidence, etc to be robbed, though they all certainly are battered and bruised for a sometimes long while. But even with scars, the body still survives, albeit in an altered form.
Easier said than done though, that is for sure! Perhaps it is simply what we choose to do with our realities?
I am most definitely not advocating wallowing in it … but I also don’t think living in a state of denial is productive either. We do what we can do and we move on.
We have purposefully developed an approach around here, let’s call it the “name it and claim it” perspective.
We name what we want for the situation, we state it out loud confidently. We write it down. Then we thank God for giving us the perspective, and for directing the outcome. We express acceptance of our personal failures, and acknowledge we must share the responsibilities involved regarding our loved ones with others. We give thanks for those willing and able to step forward. Then we put it to rest and move on.
Our hope (which is disappointment delayed) comes from Christ, and what he has done for and offered to each one of us! Our girl is in a terrible spot. Hope does exist for things to get better for her, tho not through our direct efforts at this time. It’s what we’re pulling for.
Call that optomistic, confident, misguided. whatever. it’s tough to overcome a lifetime of being called “Suzy Sunshine, Sunbonnet Sue, Sunny Amy,” you get the idea!
Having been the (slightly misquoted) referral in two posts in a row, I’ll chime in just to say to this and the post that comes after it that it is painful to watch you continue to suffer like this, Nancy.
Beth and Kyle and Stephanie fill your tank. It sounds as if Dora is a candidate for a tank-filling future. These kids, despite the fact that two of them came from difficult backgrounds, have bright futures. They are “real.”
It hurts to think that right now what you think you would like most is to be away from those neighbors at the bus stop and sequestered among families with kids with really difficult lives! How would that “fill your tank” unless they could all be Nancy Cs and Sunny Amy with a realistic but more optimistic outlook than it appears you currently are able to muster?
Amy is an adult and her problems are her own now. Spending time continuing to watch so closely and sometimes participate in her continuing problems appears to this observor to drain away more from your tank than the others could possibly replenish.I just wish that you could let Amy and her problems go. You did the best you could and then MORE.
I am letting Amy go. Believe me. She’s out of the apartment and finally completely out of our responsibility. I updated the situation because lots of folks ask. I wasn’t responding to your comment to stir the pot… more because I have been thinking about it and wanted to articulate my thoughts. It just happened to “fit” after I shared that Amy has, indeed, vacated the apartment.
As for my neighbors, I could go and visit if I like. It isn’t that I am choosing to be sequestered. It is that my frame of reference has changed and I find it increasingly hard to relate to folks who live “normal” lives. It isn’t that I don’t want to, I just find it hard.
I do understand what you are saying though, Pat, and I look forward to continuing this conversation in person.
“It is that my frame of reference has changed and I find it increasingly hard to relate to folks who live “normal” lives. It isn’t that I don’t want to, I just find it hard.”
Nancy, this is true for me as well. I try to get together with friends and talk about other things than kids, school, therapists, etc. But it is very difficult for me to truly relate to them, and it’s just not where my mind and heart is now. They can’t understand my world even when they try. And often, it isn’t something others want to try and relate to if they don’t have to.