Reactive Attachment Disorder, RAD Blog - "Depression hurts everyone"

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Reactive Attachment Disorder Blog

09/12/06

"Depression hurts everyone"

Posted by : Nancy Spoolstra in Reactive Attachment Disorder Blog at 08:32 pm , 376 words, 80 views
Categories: Support, Reader's Questions

Depression hurts everyone. Have you seen that commercial? The one where the Weimaraner dog drops the tennis ball and looks sad, and the little girl looks neglected, and the spouse looks ignored? And the depressed person is crashed on the bed? The commercial keeps repeating, “Depression hurts everyone.” The message of the commercial is… GET SOME HELP. Your problem is becoming everyone else’s problem!

If someone had told me twenty years ago that a child could and would come into my home, live amongst my happy, gregarious, loving and active family, and emerge nearly two decades later as morose and unhappy and unmotivated as when she entered the family… I’m not sure I would have believed it. I would have given the standard pre-adoptive (or pre-birth) parent answer of… “Yeh, but in MY home, with MY love and MY encouragement, this child will get better. This child will WANT to get better. This child will see all the reasons why they SHOULD get better… Yadda yadda yadda…”

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Why would they have to run commercials encouraging people to get better if everyone cared about how their behavior impacted other people? There’s the rub, you see, because my emancipated daughter doesn’t care about how her behavior impacts HER, let alone anyone else. Even our foreign exchange student has figured that out… she quickly realized the problem was how little my daughter cares about anything. And you can’t inject a person with self-esteem. You can’t make them care about themselves. Yes, you can send “you are valuable” messages ad nauseum, but if they can’t/won’t/don’t take them in, your effort pays no dividends… at least in the short run (if you call 17+ years a "short run".) And guess what? They have to WANT to take in your positive messages. And for that to happen, the pain of change must be less than the pain of no change. One of my daughter’s many therapists told me that years ago, and it is so true. For many kids, the pain of change is greater than the pain of staying the way they are… no matter what impact their behavior has on those around them.

More coming on this....

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9 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: sltgjt [Member]

Right ON!!

Permalink 09/13/06 @ 05:49

Comment from: frozen [Member]

Maybe instead of trying to change Amy into the person you want her to be, rather than accepting who she IS,you could address your own attitudes and behaviors towards her. My heart aches for this young woman whose mother sees her as a constant source of disappointment and writes about her with such disdain. I only hope that Amy never reads this blog...

It'd be swell if all of our children would love us and respond to our parenting techniques by becoming happy, healthy, responsible, productive citizens. Some may need more help and time than others, and some may never become the people we dream (or know) they could be, but that doesn't mean our children are lazy, or evil, or uncaring. I feel you make Amy the family scapegoat and berate her for her lack of response to your parenting style. Changing your attitude might help the family dynamic--at this point it doesn't sound like it could hurt!

Permalink 09/13/06 @ 12:37

Comment from: sltgjt [Member]

Even if Amy read the Blog I really don't think she would care because RAD kids/adults don't care. That is the point they don't care even though you fight and love and drive yourself crazy for them to care. I never once seen a real emotion from my son and I wanted to so badly. I tried everything and the way Nancy writes is how I feel. It is comforting to see someone know how I felt. I can see how much Nancy loves her daughter. Frozen I pray that you don't have to go through some of what we have to or had to go through with our children who hate us and seem to take pleasure in making life hard and horrible. Or have a beautiful child who looks at you and tells you with a smile that they are going to rip you to shreds with a knife while you sleep. Being terrified every night that you or your other children could die is NOT fun. The thing is that I still love my son and hope and pray everyday that he will heal. I want him to find a forever home that can give him what we couldn't.

Permalink 09/13/06 @ 13:15

Comment from: Nancy Spoolstra [Member]

· http://siblings.adoptionblogs.com/

Sltgjt, there is no home who can give your son anything that will change where he is right now until he is ready to change. It isn't that you couldn't GIVE what he needed, it is that he couldn't RECEIVE it.

Permalink 09/13/06 @ 15:14

Comment from: sltgjt [Member]

Nancy I just found out today that he has been crying and missing us. I was shocked he didn't seem to care when he first left. Is this a good sign that he is feeling emotion or is this something RAD kids do? He never cried for his BM when he was with us and never talked about her. I figured he was doing the same thing. I at least was allowed to email him and was so excited I hope I hear back soon. I was crying and crying it brought so many emotions up with me. I do miss him terribly.

Permalink 09/13/06 @ 15:22

Comment from: Nancy Spoolstra [Member]

· http://siblings.adoptionblogs.com/

Isn't that the irony? We love them but we can't reach them and often can't live with them. I hope your son continues to reflect on what he had and doesn't have now... maybe that will motivate him to make some changes. I hope some day my daughter recognizes how hard we worked on her behalf.

Permalink 09/13/06 @ 16:20

Comment from: sltgjt [Member]

So true Nancy. I pray everyday that he will heal someday.

Permalink 09/13/06 @ 16:59

Comment from: bumblebeeskies [Member]

Nancy,

Until tonight, I have never had a problem with anything that you have said, in either of your blogs. However, as someone who suffers from severe depression, this post just rubbed me the wrong way. Of course, you can interpret the commercial anyway that you want to, but your assumption, that it's about, "get up off your butts and do something about it", is not the commercials point. The commercial is for a new antidepressant called Cymbalta. The "depression hurts" part, is about how depression not only hurts you mentally, but often physically as well. The medicine is supposed work both as an antidepressant and help with pain associated with depression. It targets two areas, Seratonin, and Noreprinephin(sp)-which is another area that has been found to cause depression. I guess, It just didn't set well with me, to know what the commercial was really about, and having you use it as an example for your daughter's behavior. There is a clear difference.

Permalink 09/15/06 @ 23:45

Comment from: Nancy Spoolstra [Member]

· http://siblings.adoptionblogs.com/

I appreciate the clarification. Clearly, I misinterpreted the message. As an honest question, no hidden agenda, can you tell me as a person who suffers from depression, how if feels from the inside? I really, really want to know. I really want to know how much control my daughter does have over this? And her situation is not just depression, I know. But I have seen her function well. And then I have seen her tank it. Many of my friends have seen this roller coaster. I have heard Nancy Ashe say she can "fake it for awhile" but it is too hard to keep it up. So I really do want to know. Are people with depression completely at the mercy of their illness, or do they have some ability to affect change?

I really do appreciate your feedback.

Permalink 09/16/06 @ 06:58

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