Last night I fixed one of our family favorites for dinner … barbecued pork on the grill. Although little in life ever revved Amy’s motor, I would have to say that eating this particular meal probably came the closest to getting a reaction. Not enough that it ever had any motivating capability, but I do think it was “pleasurable” to her in whatever sense she defines that word. So as I was preparing it, I thought of her … of the dialog and commenting that has been occurring on this blog about her lack of responsibility for her life, about my lost hopes and dreams for our mother/daughter relationship and her childhood, about the depth and breadth of the emotions I feel surrounding this whole experience …


And I decided I would take her some of the pork today. I am absolutely, positively to the point in our relationship where I do what feels right for me. I didn’t decide to do this because a reader or two has been on my case, or because my dad thinks I should do or not do something, or because Kyle or Steph or my husband suggested it … I decided to do this simply because it came to my mind, I didn’t fight it, and I decided if I chose to follow through with it, it was the right thing to do.


So today as Steph and I headed out to do errands, I gathered the last piece of corn on the cob from last night, some of the pork, and rice, and fruit salad, and put it all in a sack. We stopped by her fast food job site, but she had just left (someone from her job was driving her home), so we headed to her apartment. Her boss had called ahead and told her I was coming … isn’t that interesting? So she met me on the street. (She didn’t let her dad see her apartment last week either.)


I told her simply that fixing the pork reminded me of her and I decided to bring her some. We sort of initiated an awkward hug simultaneously. She seemed a "forced cheerful". She thanked me for bringing her the food. She mentioned that I had a new cell phone number (over a month or more ago) and she seemed to want to put it in her phone. I told her the number. Our interaction didn’t last longer than a minute before I returned to my car and left.


There was a time when I would have wondered, “Is she eating this alone in her apartment and thinking about all the things she gave up, rejected, thumbed her nose at?” But I don’t think about that anymore. I left her the food because I wanted to. She can think or not think about it … whatever.


I very much appreciate the positive comments and support I have received from many of you readers. I have been thinking today about the comment made by the reader who pointed out that I believe in "choosing hope and love over fear. Past experience would dictate you flee from the very children and families you embrace." I am an optimist by nature. I wanted so hard to believe I could make things be different. It is that hope which propels me to prepare for yet another child.


I also very much appreciate Julie's post that beautifully articulates how final it is when you realize you can't make someone change who doesn't want to change.


Tonight my husband, Beth and I are heading to the first Kansas City Chiefs football game … and it is only in the high 90’s here, so it should be simply delightful! (NOT!) I seem to be catching the heat wherever I am!


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