Part two of three parts

Once I connect the families, I instruct both the placing family and the receiving family to retain their own attorneys. Additionally, I inform the placing family that they should do their own “due diligence” on the receiving family. I trust my contacts and I know they know what to look for in a receiving family, but the responsibility for confirming that decision lies with the placing family.


If everyone is satisfied this is a good placement decision, the attorneys proceed with the legalities. The procedure varies from state to state, but if a child crosses state lines an “ICPC” (Interstate Child Placement Compact) must be completed. Sometimes guardianship is assigned to the receiving family and they file for TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) in their state. Other times, the TPR is completed in the placing family’s state. Some states require the receiving family to be a licensed foster home, but some do not. Some states have a mandatory waiting period before the adoption can be finalized; others do not. However, all states require that the receiving family have a current homestudy.


Because this is considered a “private adoption”, there are attorney fees involved for both families. Additionally, since social service agencies are not involved, no subsidies accompany these kinds of placements. Once the receiving family finalizes the adoption, they are “on their own.” For this reason, domestically adopted children are rarely disrupted in this fashion, but are returned to “the system” or placed residentially (hopefully) with the help of social services. Most privately arranged adoptions of this type involve internationally adopted children.


While it is hard for most folks to fathom why anyone would knowingly and willingly take a disrupting child who has exhibited severe attachment problems, many families do it and do it well. Sometimes it is just a better fit—the family constellation and disposition is a better match for the child. In my workshops I tell parents, “The closer your expectations match your reality, the happier you will be!” This is very true in the case of disruptions. The receiving family has a better understanding of what they are getting than the original adoptive family probably did.

To be continued...