One of my regular readers recently asked this question:


Do you believe that there are certain activities kids should participate in regardless of their choices? Like family activities?


This is a very good question, and over the years on ADN’s listserves and in conversations with my friends, this question has come up often. I’m not sure there is a “one size fits all” answer to this, but here are my thoughts…


From the moment Amy joined us, she was “in reverse”. We didn’t really know how “reversed” she was, and we were completely clueless about attachment issues, but the child did not go with the flow from the very beginning. Nevertheless, for years we persevered, convinced we would find some magical button, turn some corner just ahead…and we parented her as “normally” as we could under the circumstances. She had the Chuck E. Cheese birthday parties (although there were no real friends to invite), she reaped the same rewards at Christmas as her siblings, and I sewed for her as much as I sewed for Stephanie (Kyle was much less interested!) But I must admit, I had much less enthusiasm for my sewing for her… She went to Disney World (and we considered it a bonus that she didn’t ruin it for us—having a good time and/or being an asset would have been too much to ask.)


She took dance class for awhile, but was unfazed when her completely objectionable behavior caused her to miss the recital. She was on a soccer team but had absolutely zero understanding of what being a team player meant, and she put forth almost no effort. We tried piano lessons, but again, it was a bust. I tried once or twice to take her horseback riding, but she was unsuccessful in manipulating the horse and I didn’t want to have to deal with the injuries that would result from her lack of attention and effort. Not to mention the fact that the barn was my escape and taking her there seemed unwise.


As the years progressed and no change occurred, we became less and less willing to put forth effort when she didn’t. We finally told her one year that she either exhibited reciprocity at Christmas (something that she had never done in a decade) or she would not be receiving any Christmas gifts. That was the first of several years she received nearly nothing… extended family had a harder time following through with this than did her dad and I. (One year she didn't get out of bed until 1 PM on Christmas day and took her first shower in days before being allowed to join us for dinner.) Birthdays were handled similarly. Her mood was always nasty, she never did anything for anyone else's birthday, and I found it harder and harder to get enthused about doing anything for her. She seemed to resent being born, anyway!


She has missed cruises and subsequent trips to Disney World, as well as countless shorter trips. She has no appreciation for even the most basic of blessings she enjoys, so taking her on a cruise seemed silly.


So, I guess my answer to the question posed in the beginning is… it depends on the kid, the number of years invested, and how much you think doing something will positively impact the child without negatively impacting the rest of the family. In my opinion, in the real world, folks don’t take ungrateful, uncooperative people to fun places and give them nice gifts just because… Where is the incentive to change if all of life’s bounty comes to you for nothing? And what does that say to the healthy kids who reciprocate and contribute to the family if the unpleasant one gets all the same perks?