One of the hardest parts about parenting these kids is figuring out how to balance hope with realism. If we continue to believe we can change anything if we try hard enough, or that our child will embrace our family if only we did a, b or c… and it doesn’t happen… we lose hope. And losing hope has such finality. But if we hold on to hope and do so in terms of our own expectations, we run a significant risk of being disappointed. And not disappointed once or twice, but over and over and over again. For what we want is clearly not always what our kids want (or at least want badly enough to risk changing.) And because we don’t think like they do—we are not wired like they are wired—we cannot expect them to think like us. Check out this article for the child’s point of view.


Recently someone suggested I listen to the new Josh Groban CD; specifically that I listen to a song on that CD entitled Don’t Give Up. Here are the words to that song:

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When you're heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

The person that mentioned that song to me felt it applied both to us, as parents, and our children. I wholeheartedly agree. So many of our children have already given up, like the teen girl I mentioned in my previous blog. Amy has never embraced life… she has little to give up because she hasn’t even picked up the reins. And it doesn’t matter how many times I tell her “you are loved”… she doesn’t absorb it.


As parents, we don’t want to give up, but we can’t go on indefinitely either. At some point, we have to lay down the reins and let our children pick them up… or not. We have to figure out some way to balance our hope with our reality. We have to accept that in all likelihood, the relationship we so desired, we worked so hard to achieve, will probably never happen. Some would say “never say never”, but realistically speaking, in my personal situation, it is unrealistic for me to expect that the relationship I had in mind when I became Amy’s mom will ever happen. We might get farther down the road than we are now, and I hope we do… but after this long, and this much water under the bridge, I can’t imagine we will build what I had hoped we would build. I would love for her to prove me wrong. And really, is it just up to her? Can I lay down my hurt after all these years? Can I trust her if she ever starts to trust me? I don’t know.


I’m listening to Josh Groban now… and I don’t want to give up… but, I must to some extent. I must allow my expectations to approximate my reality.

I also want other parents out there who are dying inside because of their lost hopes and dreams... you are not alone! As Josh said in his song... I can hear you... Everyone needs to be heard... You are loved!

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