Recently, a reader who is struggling with the difficulties of reaching out to a troubled teen boy had these questions on her mind:

When and how do you decide they aren't going to change? When do you give up? How do you measure progress?

Do I keep trying as long as he doesn't leave our home and assume that if he stays he's wanting to work on it?

How do you know that a child is like Cindy or Kathy and just won't ever choose to give up drugs and embrace a family?

I think the first response I have to those questions is … we can only do what we can do; so much is up to our children. Your first priority is to structure your household in such a way that it works overall for every member of the family. No one way works ideally for everyone, but neither can you revamp your entire existence for the sake of one person. Of course, that is precisely the situation many of us find ourselves in, as we struggle to survive life with a severely disturbed child. Nevertheless, in this particular mom’s situation, she is offering shelter, family and love to a young man who has not found those benefits to be predictable or trustworthy in the past. He has many choices to make—personal choices—about whether or not he will avail himself of those benefits. Everyone involved—the young man, the mom/reader asking the questions, and her husband and peers—understands this concept; this young man must decide what he will do with the opportunities being provided for him right now. No one expects it to be easy or even fair that life has dealt him such a crummy hand. No matter how desperately all the adults in this young man’s life want him to make good choices and put himself on a more productive road towards the future, ultimately the one who decides whether he succeeds or fails is the young man himself. So while the adults can hedge their bet, try to guide and steer, cajole and beg, hope and pray, insist and demand … it still is the young man’s choice. One of the very hardest tenants of therapeutic parenting is … Don’t work harder on the child’s life than the child is willing to work.


I worked far, far harder on Amy’s life than Amy did … no question about it. I cared more, I wanted more, I struggled more, I worried more, I hoped for more. And at the end of the day, what really matters—the only thing that matters—is what she wants. And how badly does she want it? Furthermore, I have learned that as long as I was holding so many Units of Concern for her life, she didn’t have to worry about it herself! Now that she is out on her own, she does! While no doubt she has folks rescuing her regularly, she still has far more responsibility for her own life now than she did a year ago. More struggles, for sure ... but also more opportunities to decide what, if anything, she wants out of life. If she wants nothing or only very little, is there really anything I can do to change her mind?


Even “normal” parents would define progress differently. In the case of a situation such as this, I would suggest this reader and her husband focus on leading the dance, rather than dancing to the child’s tune. The partner leading the dance still has many ways of being flexible and changing direction as needed … but they are in charge of the dance. Additionally, they have the ability to avoid being repeatedly stepped upon by their dancing partner. They are proactive, not reactive. Much of what this young man needs is a family who is willing to take a stand and send him the message that his life is in his own hands (and he is capable of handling it), but he doesn’t have to dance alone. Define your bottom line (even as you retain the right to move that line) and do what works for all of you … and he will succeed, or he won’t … but you can’t make him do it either way. If he chooses not to, you didn’t fail … he just didn’t want it more than he wanted to give up. And you don’t “give up” per se … you just maintain your bottom line and if/when he chooses to meet that bottom line, you are available.


It isn’t nearly as simple or straightforward as mere text would suggest, but you can drive yourself crazy trying to work harder for success than the person who owns the life. Believe me, I know.

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