Continued from here

I also think the definitions of success and the expectations of a relationship vary from person to person. While we can all look at a family where the child is clearly rude, disrespectful and ugly to be around and acknowledge that those parents are not having much fun, it can be tougher to assess a family where things are less overtly out of whack. If an intimacy-fearing child lands in a family (Family A) where the parental expectations of intimacy are minimal… they all might fit together just fine. But if that same child lands in Family B where everyone piles on the couch like a litter of puppies, hugging and loving on each other and sharing their innermost thoughts… trouble! And if an outsider were to view that child in Family A… they might say the parents are “denying” that child’s issues, when in reality, that family just doesn’t approach intimacy in the same way as the observer does.


Because I am a big believer in relationships, and because I think the most satisfying relationships are the deep and vulnerable ones, I’m not content to stay at the level of Family A. And I personally believe that if one can successfully raise children who are comfortable with deep and vulnerable relationships, those children have a greater chance at having fulfilling lives. They can always stay shallow in a relationship if they choose to, but they have the capacity to go deep.


But a child who was never exposed to deeper intimacy or who was allowed to escape it has no such skills. They can’t go deep. So does that make the family who doesn’t require deeper intimacy “wrong”? That’s not for me to judge… I can only tell you it wouldn’t work for me. But I have met many families that would rather avoid the issues or deny the elephant in the living room than have to address those wounded feelings head on—because the parent(s) are afraid of their own feelings, never mind being willing or able to take on the child’s wounds.


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