Reactive Attachment Disorder, RAD Blog

11/08/07

Empty eyes

Posted by : Nancy Spoolstra in Reactive Attachment Disorder Blog at 09:40 pm , 346 words, 241 views
Categories: Grief and Loss

Dora and I have been having some deep conversations lately. We are two months into her placement with us, and she is processing lots of things. Tomorrow is therapy day, and we have plenty to discuss.

Her first adoptive mom sent a photo album that contained pictures of Dora’s Chinese orphanage and her first few months in America. Such a sad, sad group of infants and toddlers represented by those photos. Picture after picture devoid of life or smiles on the faces of these kids. I didn’t have to convince Dora about what I saw—she saw it, too. We not only talked about the unsmiling faces, but we commented on all the empty eyes as well. How many times has it been said that the eyes are the windows to the soul?

A couple of days ago, I had Dora’s picture taken at Penney’s. It is a long tradition in my family … I used to haul the older kids there every three months when they were babies! Individual pictures, group pictures—we were there many times. As I watched Dora’s photo session, I couldn’t help but notice her empty eyes. She is a very sad child.

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As we sat in the oft-used rocking chair tonight and flipped through her photo album, she asked me if her eyes were empty when she had her picture taken at Penney’s. I said they were, but also stated that I wasn’t surprised. I said even though I noticed that fact at the photo shoot, I figured we would use those pictures as a benchmark for how she will change as time goes on. I assured her I could show her photos of Beth with empty eyes. Beth’s eyes explode with life and happiness now, a fact not lost on Dora. Amy's eyes?... they have always been empty.

Dora expressed anticipation of continued therapy, and she stated she wants a mom—needs a mom—and wants to embrace this family. She’s really a pretty amazing kiddo …

Photo Credit, Nancy Spoolstra

3 comments

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Comment from: Bippette [Member]

Its so amazing that she can express that she wants and needs a Mom. What a huge step for her...and you.

We had another rough night last night. After our last go around about the house rules, our family counselor suggested that we put our rules down in writing as a well as the consequences and sign them. Well J had so far managed to squirrel out of actually signing them.

My DH asked him to take a drug test last night. J refused to take it. At first he was refusing to take it on principal alone. But after we got into the discussion he finally told us that if he took it, that it would be positive. (Which I think was a positive step...him acutally admitting that to us.)

The consequence for a positive UA is 7 days of a 6pm curfew...per the rules. But he was also refusing to sign the rules.

I gave him two choices. Sign the rules then, and we'll test again on Sunday then if its positive the consequences will apply. Or if he chose not to sign the rules, we'd just consider them to be in affect now, and he'd have a 6pm curfew starting now.

He signed the rules, but told me that didn't mean he'd abide by them.

He starts wrestling practice on Monday. We've explained to him that the school can test him at any time, and that in fact the next time they test randomly they'll test him as well. If he fails another UA at the school he'll be done with sports. He was kicked off the football team for a positive UA and it was a very painful experience for all of us.

I don't understand why he's not learning from these painful consequences. I'm trying to use Love and Logic and only counsel and let the chips fall where they may, but its hard.

He's going to take another UA on Sunday, and I am leaving on Sunday for a week long business trip. That means Coach is going to have to deal with him on his own next week.

I'm not sure what to do if he will not abide by the 6pm curfew. If he doesn't abide by it, the only other card I have to play is forcing him to move out. And I really don't want to do that.

He's told us time and again that he's going to stop using, but he hasn't. Now he says that its wrestling season and thats important enough to him to stop using. But I don't know that he can stop. It doesn't seem like his rehab program is helping much.

He went to sulk in his room after our dicussion last night. I sat by him on his bed and rubbed his back and hair for a little while. He didn't stop me. But he did say "You and Coach think you understand me....but you don't understand me at all."

Permalink 11/09/07 @ 10:01