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Completing my series covering my interview with Andrew Bridge, author of Hope’s Boy, I asked Andrew how he felt a child’s individual choices influenced the child’s trajectory. Here is Andrew’s response:
I don’t know how to answer that question. I can tell you that my gut says we spend far too much time pathologizing children rather than looking for their strengths and what they can do. I am usually critical of large congregate care (group homes) especially for younger kids. I actually went through training on how to become a group home administrator. I took the training, passed the test, looked at the application … it said, “Which kids do you want to take?” and it listed “bipolar disorder, firestarter, sex predator” … every conceivable pathology imaginable. What you don’t see on any of them is “gifted, funny” or any set of strengths or possibilities. We create systems that are grounded in pathologizing children while not looking for and ignoring their strengths. In the case of group home operators, the more weaknesses you identify, the greater the dollar amount on that kid’s head. You end up with what you expected in the first place.I was involved in a North Carolina class action suit that involved children with mental illness who were also violent and assaultive. My personal bias is, I’ve got to believe that in the end, there are, thank God, very few things that can’t be mended, set right and helped. What does that look like? Look at each kid individually. How can that kid lead a life that he is safe for himself and others? The vast majority of foster care systems don’t get to that point. What keeps this kid safe and what keeps people around him safe?
Andrew wrote in his book about the web of lies he wove around himself as a child, hiding the reality of his foster care existence. I asked him if lying was a difficult habit to break, or to describe more about the origin of that behavior.
Lying is about shame. Once you learn there is no shame in being poor, there is no shame in having a mom who had a mental illness … once you don’t feel that shame, it is quite easy to leave that behind. No one explained to me how to handle appropriately the questions the other kids asked. Here is an area where foster care has gotten better … they sit a child down and say, “Here is how you answer that question.”
For the longest time I didn’t know how to answer those questions. Simple questions required enormous answers. That lingered into college. It is about overcoming shame.
I asked Andrew if he had any contact with his birthfather.
He died 10 years ago. I learned that just before the book went to print. It was easy to find relatives. I wanted to confirm some details. I found an aunt … my father’s sister. She had met me and my mom. It means so much when I talk to her to have someone who can say, “I knew your mom when she was well.” On so many levels, it means so much to hear them say she was a beautiful woman. My aunt also said, “My God, why didn’t anybody ever call? We knew you existed, but you just disappeared.” Again, this is one of the very recent changes … foster care jurisdictions are making big investments in finding relatives. The majority of people who care for and adopt foster kids in California are relatives.
I thoroughly enjoyed both reading Andrew’s book and speaking with him on the phone. He has vast experience in this field, both personally and professionally. Hope’s Boy is a memoir … it is not intended to be an indictment of the foster care system. However, his experience speaks for itself. Read the book! It’s well worth your time.
I am a therapist working with a
young teen whose adoptive brother has
RAD. How can I help her deal with the
anger, confusion and fear?
He’s one wise man. Thanks for sharing Nancy.