Bipette, the reader who is struggling with an unofficial foster son, wrote a poignant comment in response to my last post. I’d like to address some of her questions and thoughts.


This giving, nurturing mom is struggling mightily with the concept of being a “hard to get” mom and not chasing this boy in her zeal to get him to commit to the family. It is important to remember that I have had nearly two decades of practice in learning what I can and can’t accomplish by myself. I have learned the hard way that me wanting something in no way translates to the other party wanting the same thing. In Amy’s case, as long as I was doing any of the work on the relationship, no matter how little, it was enough to convince her that she didn’t have to work at it, because I was still holding at least some of the Units of Concern. As we approach the holidays, the ball is entirely in her court to “make nice” with the family—or not. She won’t, and that’s OK. If she does, it will be because she wants it, and that is the necessary ingredient for us ever to be on the road to any kind of relationship. (Not to mention that initiating contact will "put it out there" that she wants a relationship, and that equals vulnerability ... and she is nowhere near ready to go there.)


As far as Bipette’s concern about showing vulnerability as a mom, I think that is not always a bad thing. Part of my conversations this week with Dora included telling her she was not the only one bringing wounded feelings to the table. I told her I had desired to connect with Amy as much as Dora had wanted to connect with her first adoptive family and her lost mom in China. I have made it clear that Dora is responsible for doing her part in this relationship, and that I would not lay my heart out for her to stomp all over until I saw some effort on her part. But that does not mean I won’t be emotionally available to her at all. I can show her that she is not the only one risking something here, without giving her license to abuse my feelings. It is absolutely OK to have feelings, but you can’t expect your kids to risk showing theirs if you keep yours under cover. At the same time, you can model healthy boundaries around feelings by not laying yours out for decimation.


I don’t know if it is because I have seen some kids choose “correctly” and other kids not, or because I am old and tired, or because I am getting my tank filled so completely by Beth and have less need for that “mom high” from another child, or because I have simply learned what I needed to learn to make this work … but I am really in a good spot for laying out Dora’s options. While I very much want her to join the program and claim this family, most days (not all) I can let it ride … OK if she does, OK if she doesn’t. With Amy, it was either way too much effort on my part, or no effort at all. I really struggled to find that middle ground.

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