Stephanie was supposed to leave today to return to college. And on Friday she was to fly out of Minnesota and meet Beth and me in another state where we would meet this child who will perhaps be joining our family. But the best laid plans …


Instead, we are awaiting a call from the doctor’s office this morning to see if Stephanie has Mononucleosis. Fun, fun. Her lymph nodes are swollen and her throat hurts and she’s just plain punk. I was so disappointed in the possibility that she couldn’t join us this weekend that I considered taking her anyway, and just making sure we laid low. After all, we are going to meet a child and family, not run a marathon. But when I considered changing flight arrangements, having her fly alone on a different airline than Beth and me, and laying over in a big city … all the while not feeling good … well, that’s not too smart. So assuming she does have Mono, she’ll be staying home. If it isn’t something as serious as Mono, perhaps we can still pull a rabbit out of a hat, but it isn’t looking promising. I’ll have to make definitive plans as soon as I hear from the doc’s office.


I was thinking about the adult child/parent relationship as compared to the parent/younger child relationship, and musing about Katherine Leslie’s thoughts of complimentary or correspondent reciprocity, as I discussed in this post. Certainly, the interaction between Steph and me has changed as she has become older. And yet, in other ways, it hasn’t.


Yesterday she saw the family doc in the morning and had to immediately leave that office to head to the neurologist’s office for more migraine prescriptions. (Genetics at work ...) There wasn’t time for a Mono test. She called me and told me what the doc was thinking, and apparently the plan was for Steph to return to school and get tested there. I said “no thanks!” and instead requested she be tested yesterday so we could know before she left home. I called and told her what time the second appointment was scheduled for (she hadn’t returned home yet) and suggested she would need to come home and essentially turn around and leave again. I heard her emotions begin to overwhelm her, so I immediately told her I would accompany her to the doctor’s office the second time.


When she arrived home, she was embarrassed and apologetic for getting emotional in the car, but I responded with how much that made me feel valued and still needed as her mom. This is what it is all about, isn’t it? You want folks around you who love you and nurture you and make you feel better. This was both a complimentary and correspondent response … I responded as her mom, and as I had responded all those years as her mom, and yet I also responded as one adult to another, comforting someone I loved and someone who was overwhelmed with the realization of what it might mean to have an illness that will significantly change her plans in the next couple of months. And more than once Steph has comforted me in a similar manner when I am upset about something.


How many of us have adult children who can think of anyone but themselves? How many of us have our interactions with our adult children defined and dictated by what that child decides he or she needs at that moment, that we could provide? How often do our poorly attached or unattached kids give one thought towards what they might do for us, just because? There is a huge difference between feeling needed and used.

I have a friend whose adult daughter never gave a thought to ignoring or defying what the family asked her to do, but gets extremely irate when, as an adult, she makes demands (not requests) from the family that aren't followed, or followed exactly as she "requires". How does that work?

I once bluntly asked Amy if she had ever given any thought as to how her behavior affected those around her. (I blogged about it before.) She didn’t need to answer verbally … the look on her face said all that needed to be said. There has never been anything correspondent or complimentary in my relationship with Amy. It has always been all outgo, little or no input. I very much like Katherine Leslie’s approach … what’s in it for me? Because you know what? It is OK to want something back. It is perfectly OK. We're more than willing to put out (and we do--over, and over, and over) so why is it unrealistic to expect something in return? Something that meets our needs? I don't think it is unrealistic at all.

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