When I wrote this blog, it was 3 AM this morning and I was tooling along Interstate 35 in Des Moines. Not to worry, I wasn’t driving while typing… my husband of 29 years was at the wheel. Twenty nine years today, as a matter of fact.


We left on Friday and drove 600+ miles to Gurnee, Illinois where we used to live. On Friday night we gathered at Olive Garden with a dozen other ATN parents. More on that later…


This was a “wedding weekend.” On Saturday afternoon we attended the wedding of a high school friend of Kyle and Marie’s. Kyle was in the wedding. We left the wedding at 9 PM Saturday night and drove back to Kansas in time for Julie’s graduation ceremony this afternoon. She heads home to China on Tuesday.


As I mentioned previously, today is my husband’s and my anniversary. And next week is Kyle and Marie’s first anniversary. So weddings are on my mind.


The minister’s advice to the couple getting married this weekend was, “When in doubt about what to do or what decision to make, serve.” Both young people came from a family where serving others was modeled often. Both families are actively involved in the church community.


As I pondered the act of service and intertwined it with the institution of marriage and the celebration of anniversaries, I found myself thinking about all the families I encounter through ATN. Living with traumatized children is a daily act of service. Maintaining a healthy marriage while serving traumatized children can be a Herculean task.


Our 29 years of marriage have not been challenge-free. Unquestionably, our roughest period was during the mid-90’s and coincided with the time I started the Attachment & Trauma Network. It was not a time I remember fondly… Our issues weren't over me starting ATN... it was the issues that prompted the creation of ATN that did so much damage to our marriage... issues of kids triangulating, me angry all the time, my husband clueless, and the tension in our house thicker than pea soup.

A wise therapist once told me, "It is hard being the married parents of a RAD kid. It is even harder being a single parent of a RAD kid. But it is the hardest being the single married parent of a RAD kid."

I can’t encourage you enough to take care of yourselves and your marriages—even before you focus on the needs of your disturbed child or children. I have seen far too many relationships destroyed by the stresses encountered when living with attachment-affected kids.

Here's an article on divorce after adoption. Don’t let it happen to you!