I have certainly learned a great deal about relationships on my journey through life. Probably most importantly, I have learned that relationships ARE what life is really all about. How many stories have we read about rich, famous people who seem to have it all, but are so lonely and bereft of the real stuff of life? Princess Diana comes to mind. The magazines and television shows are full of speculation on what she would be doing right now, ten years after her death. While her relationship with her sons was wonderful, her other personal relationships were fraught with difficulties. And by many accounts, she was lonely and searching for someone to meet her needs.


I’d rather be living in a shanty and surrounded by folks who love me than living in a palace and emotionally isolated.


So what defines a healthy relationship? Are we terrible parents if we expect to receive something in return from our children? I have said many, many times, people go into parenting for many reasons, but one of them is usually to have a relationship with the child. Not always … but usually. Sometimes you hear about wealthy families or movie stars who have a succession of nannies and caretakers for their kids, and you wonder why they had kids to begin with … Was it to dress them as miniature versions of the star and parade them in front of the tabloid photographers? I have met a few parents who wanted to adopt the “designer kid” who apparently was supposed to come with perfect manners, perfect appearance and perfect behavior … but fortunately very few folks with such skewed expectations have crossed my path.


Rather, I have met parent after parent after parent who simply wanted another child or children. Parents whose expectations and aspirations were simply to provide a loving home for a child, a place where that child could blossom into the individual God created them to be. During that blossoming, the parent’s expectation was to be able to rejoice and revel in the child’s discovery of himself … and the parent expected to receive love in return! Not gratitude, not servitude, but LOVE. Something coming back that was a reward. In some cases, children who “do well” in other ways but are “neutral” at home still provide the parents with a reward. Children who excel away from home but are ugly at home are harder to feel good about … but even then, parents can have a little more confidence that at least the child has skills with which to support themselves or succeed on their own. The child’s relationships may suffer, but if they can manage to survive, they can always address their relational difficulties at any point in their lives.


I don’t think it is unrealistic whatsoever to expect there is something in it for the parent along this journey. We as human beings operate on the premise that we do what ultimately provides some reward back to us. For some, that means giving unconditionally, across the board, in the face of nastiness, for years without end … but what is the giver receiving? They are somehow meeting some internal need for martyrdom or some need to sacrifice their own needs indefinitely and without boundaries … so essentially, they are still meeting some personal need.


More coming on this …

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