A reader posted a very good and very perplexing question yesterday. She is a therapist, working with a young teen girl whose brother is struggling with Reactive Attachment Disorder. The therapist asks,

“How can I help her deal with the anger, confusion and fear?”

I can’t tell you how much I wish there was a clear, concise, effective answer to this question. However, I know of no magic bullet for this. I have had conversations with my adult children about their memories and their views of life in our home when they were elementary, middle and high school aged kids. Both Kyle and Stephanie say pretty much the same thing. They didn’t realize how abnormal our lives were until they were older and had the opportunity to observe more “normal” families. Apparently, they both felt safe and loved and a priority in their parents’ lives, in spite of all the drama and chaos that was occurring around them. We still managed to attend numerous gymnastics meets, band concerts, baseball games, etc. (Whenever possible, we left the disruptive child at home.) I’m incredibly glad that Kyle and Steph have that perspective.

In terms of the safety issues, my husband and I did make decisions based on making sure everyone in the family felt safe and was safe. That was a priority. Having said that, however, I can’t tell you the number of families I speak to across the country who are living in war zones and no one in the family feels safe.

So what to do about siblings who feel “anger, confusion and fear”? How effective of a job are her parents doing in making her feel like she is safe, she is a priority, and they haven’t forgotten her needs in all the drama of the family? Do they spend individual time with her? Are they using alarms, cameras, whatever is necessary to make sure their home is as safe and secure as they can make it? If the family or this young lady is really threatened, have the police been notified? Does this young lady believe that her parents really are watching out for her safety?

In families like this, I recommend an arsenal of motion detectors and cameras to help the family maintain safety boundaries as much as possible. This is one of my favorite sites to send folks … x10.com. I am sure there are other similar companies. These cameras are inexpensive, easy to install, and help families feel more in control of their homes. It is incredibly sad that families must resort to this, but it is better to do this, in my opinion, than wonder where a dangerous or angry child is at any given moment.

To the reader who asked the question, I’m not sure I gave you a satisfactory answer, but there are so many variables. If you can provide more information, I’ll do what I can to provide more feedback …

Next up I will address the less dangerous, but nevertheless damaging and insidious dynamics that can occur, such as what I am currently witnessing between Beth and Dora.

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