“Holding Time” is certainly getting additional press these days. I have blogged about this before, right here. When I use the term “holding time”, I am referring primarily to the technique described in Martha Welch’s book by the same name. I have often recommended it to families struggling with traumatized children. Some people believe holding a child will further traumatize them, but I submit parents have been “holding” children since time immemorial. Sidebar here… when I recommend Martha’s book, I suggest omitting the part where the mother vents at the child… My version of holding is providing a safe, nurturing, strong and predictable environment in which a child can mourn their losses and vent their anger. It is not a place for mom or dad to vent anger in return.


Often parents attempting to hold their child are completely unprepared for the emotional depth and breadth of their child’s reaction. Many, many parents are frightened or feel inadequate or unprepared to address such strong feelings. Julie, the Parenting Special Kids blogger, has often told me about her early holding times with LuLu. Julie stopped holding her daughter one day when the experience became so incredibly intense it was frightening Julie. LuLu’s response was to voluntarily climb back into Julie’s lap, wrap Julie’s arms around her and resume her raging! Julie says that after that, she “got it.”


I submit to you, if we, the parents, are unable to handle our children’s emotions, how are they to handle them? I am not suggesting any methods be used to incite an emotional response. It isn’t necessary. Our children have deep emotional wounds that must be “drained” before they are going to feel better. What better environment for that cleansing than in our laps, with our support? Not to mention the incredible opportunity that presents itself for pouring good stuff in where the bad stuff once was...


I have often talked to moms about using this technique, only to have them stop when they felt in over their heads. While that is an understandable reaction... what is there really to fear? (Certainly, it is emotionally draining and painful for us to witness our child's pain... but we needn't be afraid of it.) If you hold your child with as little restraint as is necessary to keep you both safe and secure, following the clear instructions in Martha Welch's book, you really are doing what moms have been doing for centuries. The difference is, your traumatized child will discover what a safe haven you are providing for them to release the anger and pain that will come out one way or the other.... in your arms, or through much less desirable means.

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