One reader commented on my previous post and wondered how to manage to send chirpy messages of encouragement to a child who does absolutely nothing with their life. Oh, boy, can I relate to this. This reader said she had lowered her expectations to the very bottom level, and she was still being disappointed … and her daughter knew that her mom was disappointed. This mom wanted to know if she was supposed to hide her disappointment …


For starters, one of my pet peeves is seeing parents constantly praise a child for things that normal, baseline functioning kids do every day without prompting. I’m not talking about a truly disabled child; I’m talking about a child who is making lousy choices on a regular basis. I don’t think we should have to jump up and down when a kid brushes their teeth … lots of kids brush their teeth every day. By the same token, I don’t know too many parents who would not feel resentful and frustrated and disgusted and yes, disappointed when their child adamantly refused to claim even the tiniest bit of responsibility for their own bodies. We might be chirpy about it for a few months, or maybe even a few years, but as a veteran of the 17 year war, I am here to tell you that chirpy doesn’t last forever. Amy knew I was disappointed in her (lack of) approach to life, but who wouldn’t be? How real and honest and human would I be if I didn’t reflect a deep disappointment in her unwillingness to embrace life in any capacity? There wasn’t much to rah-rah about!


The key here is to do your level best to not take it personally. Google defines disappointment as: a feeling of dissatisfaction that results when your expectations are not realized. Every single one of us entered parenthood with some expectations. I have blogged before about how the closer your expectations match your reality, the happier you’ll be. But really, who would not be disappointed by a child who is such a flat-liner they send the constant message to their family and the rest of the world that nothing matters? Who would expect that to be their reality?


I guess my bottom-line answer to this mom who wonders if she must hide her disappointment about her daughter’s decisions would be this: do your best to send a message to your daughter that you love her even while you are sorely disappointed in her choices about her life. I believe in being real, and real moms with real expectations are not going to be happy about kids trashing their lives. We can love kids who don’t succeed, but to not expect them to succeed would, in my opinion, send the most devaluing message of all.


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