I wish I had some guaranteed, magic advice to give those of you who live under the constant threat of being accused of child abuse … advice on how to avoid such a painful and horrible experience. Been there, done that … repeatedly. Fortunately each of our many investigations pretty much went nowhere, but not for lack of trying on the part of social services.


However, I have heard countless stories from families who were not nearly so fortunate. I have seen families financially, emotionally and physically destroyed from these horrible investigations. I also frequently receive calls from families who know it is only a matter of time before they head down this slippery slope. They want to know how to hedge their bet. Sometimes, parents call for resources in general and have no idea they are headed in this direction … but their description of their lives and the issues of their kids are a sure indicator of their vulnerability. I give them the same advice I give to folks who know what their future holds. When parents are attempting to parent an aggressive or dangerous or exceedingly manipulative child who is hell-bent on getting the family in trouble, here is what I tell them to do:

Document, document, document. Keep impeccable records about all doctor’s visits, all medications, all therapy appointments, all funds spent to heal the child, all psych placements, all calls to the police, all the names of police who responded—everything. Create a paper trail. Keep detailed, accurate, easy-to-decipher records.

Record as much “unseen” behavior as possible. If you don’t own a videocamera, get one. Often when you start filming an out-of-control kid, they’ll stop their raging. If they do, that’s fine. If they don’t, then you have it on film. They often hate it when you have proof to show others how they behave when they think it will only impact the family.


Install videocameras in your home. These are cheap and easy to use. Many wireless versions are available. My arsenal came from here … the only hassle with some of them is that they can interfere with other wireless transmissions in your home. Check out what frequency they use to avoid this problem. I bought mine when I fostered a girl who needed to be closely monitored, and I had a young daughter to protect. After the foster daughter left I still used them for my healthy kid! I loved it when I inquired if her room was clean and she said, “Of course Mom!” and I said, “Hold that thought!” and turned on my television. Usually before the TV came on she said, “Oh, wait a minute!” and off she went to clean her room. So easy! You can easily record action from any room with these cameras … and not have to haul out the hand held one. A picture is worth a thousand words!


Have a therapist in the wings that can and will come to your defense. The more folks in your court, the better. Agency caseworkers, teachers that are on board, anyone who will vouch for you. Don’t hesitate to pull them in early on… don’t wait.


Be proactive rather than reactive. Meet the cops in your community. Tell them you have a wild child! Tell them your struggles and feel them out as to how they will react if and when you call. Talk to them when you are calm and you have proof of what you are trying to do. Don’t wait until you are a wreck after restraining a dangerous child. I once ended up doing an in-service presentation after having three cops out to deal with a wild respite child. I had called them when she started to escalate just to give them a head's up. They asked if I would like them to come immediately (guess they weren't busy!) and I said "Sure!" Three different squad cars and three officers showed up at my door. After dealing with the nasty teen, they took my information and scheduled a workshop for all the officers!


Don’t hesitate to call the cops when things go south unless you know they will be part of the problem rather than part of the solution. If that is the case you are in even bigger trouble … But assuming they will back you up, call them. This is part of that paper trail I mentioned. (Side bar here, I never chase runaways—ever. I always call the cops.) This works especially well if you have already shown up at the police station well in advance of your first SOS call with your literature on RAD and your loaf of banana bread.


Take training in proper restraint. It will help protect you down the road… as well as provide you with great tools for your toolbox. Check with local RTC's or other facilities that require their staff to be trained and see if you can train along side of them.


These are just some ideas on how to decrease your chances of being found guilty of abuse. They don't necessarily protect you from getting accused. Folks just don't understand the lives we lead and there will always be someone more than willing to listen to the accusations of our little darlings.


What other suggestions do you have?


If you are interested in reading my story (including our struggles with false allegations) up through about five years ago, you can find it here:
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five

Email me if you can't figure out names!

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