There are some reoccurring themes that appear over and over as I work with families and speak to parents across the country. Sometimes I think I sound like a broken record, but some things bear repeating…


I cannot emphasize enough the importance of providing significant structure for children who have experienced loss and trauma. Think about my horse and zebra analogy. If I look out at my domesticated horses, especially the one I just bought who is so low key and mellow, he is most certainly not worrying about the next predator that might appear on the horizon. He’s calm and relaxed, even though he is in a brand new environment. Nothing in his history … either the past seven years (that’s how old he is) or for generations before that has programmed him to over-worry about his environment. Consider a wild zebra, living on the plains. Perhaps just moments ago a cousin or a parent or a brother became a meal for a pride of lions. There is no way that zebra will relax to the same extent as my new horse.


If, however, you bring that zebra into an environment where, after a period of time, he doesn’t experience the stress of running from the ever-present lions, he might start to relax more than he would on the plains. He will not likely ever reach the state of calm experienced by my backyard equines, but he will relax more than he would if he were in a constantly uncertain environment.


So it is with our kids. Structure, predictability, boundaries—they all help our traumatized kids to relax. They know what is coming next. They know the parameters within which they can freely roam … (the outer boundaries of their wildlife sanctuary.)


I can’t tell you the number of parents who have told me how much better their kids do when they are in a structured environment. But providing that structure takes a lot of work and a lot of commitment. And it comes much more intuitively for some parents than for others. It is very hard for an unstructured adult to provide super-structure for a child. It is OK to admit that some folks are not innately created to be therapeutic parents.


I was talking to my friend Karen on the phone today. She was reminiscing about when she first met Beth. She watched Beth for me for brief periods during the early part of our friendship. And at that time, Karen was childless. So she really didn’t understand some of the dynamics. She could clearly see that Beth was possessive of me and inclined to test Karen to “see what she was made of.” When Karen responded to a test almost exactly the way I had, Beth decided she was OK. The boundaries were reinforced and Beth could relax. She was safe in the care of this adult who was predictable, like Mom.


You are only doing your children a service when you rein them in. When they do outlandish behaviors designed to push your buttons, often they are screaming at you with their actions—be firm with me! Make me feel safe! Show me that you are strong enough to keep away the lions!


Wrapped tight: children with emotional and behavioral issues


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