A reader commented on this post and asked the question, “How do I get my son to the point where he is not affected by my daughter’s behaviors, but only has the day-to-day stressors of life to deal with?”


First of all, let me clarify my view of the issues that cause a reaction in Beth, and those that don’t. One of the reader’s questions involved Amy’s departure almost a year ago, and right before our Chinese student arrived.


In the discussion we had last night about defining “adoptive family” and “attachment” and “what is normal in a family”, we touched on this subject. Sometimes adoptive parents are restricted from adopting for a certain period of time after they divorce. What if the divorce was the most significant movement towards mental health that the custodial parent has made in a long time? In our case, I believe Amy’s departure was a move towards mental health for our family, not away from it. Beth did not have a deep and meaningful relationship with Amy, so she didn’t experience a loss of that kind any more than the rest of us. And she certainly benefited from the overall decrease in stress experienced by the family when we lived in close proximity to Amy. Beth’s meltdown that occurred at the time of our foreign exchange student’s arrival was just due. Again, I didn’t feel at the time that it was precipitated by any one event.


I don’t think the one we experienced a few days ago was related to worries over a new child in the family, mostly because that “concern” is too nebulous for Beth right now. It isn’t something she is spending much time thinking or worrying about right now.


Answering the other part of the question is a bit tougher. I personally don’t think you can have one child really upsetting the equilibrium of the family and have it not impact all the other family members. It just does. It isn’t realistic to expect your son to be unaffected by your daughter’s disruptive behaviors. When our challenging kids were at their most challenging, it was incredibly disruptive to me, which by default became disruptive to the healthier kids. Even if they appeared less directly affected (and I am sure they were directly affected) they were still exposed to my deteriorating mental health. And they were solidly attached, healthy and functional kids.


Beth is rolling with the punches right now because she is solidly attached and overall very healthy. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t have times when her heart overrules her head and she becomes unsettled. When that builds to a certain degree, we head for the chair and purge her of the building emotions and enable her to allow her head to triumph.


The best I can suggest for you and your son is to take care of yourself as much as you can so you can present to him a calm, healthy attachment figure. That will do more to reassure him than anything you can say verbally.


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