I’m sure I angered and offended some folks by suggesting—or perhaps stating—that all adoptees enter into an adoptive relationship with some degree of baggage. Google the “Seven Core Issues of Adoption” and you will find voluminous literature that supports the losses inherent in the institution of adoption. You can’t deny it, you can’t fight it, but it isn’t the end of the world, either. We all have losses of some sort or another. No one said life would be fair.


A child’s genetically programmed disposition has much to do with their response to life’s stressors. A poster on FRUA recently described an article that discussed resilience and the influence of genetics on a child’s ability to “roll with the punches.”


My own two girls are a classic study in contrast in this regard. Amy has the flexibility of a steel rod… Beth rolls easily with the winds of life. Amy’s inflexibility makes it nearly impossible for her to adjust, make decisions, commit to much of anything. Beth’s glass is definitely half full, which helps her make the best of difficult situations and learn from her mistakes.


So measuring “attachment success” has been, and will be going forward, a very different proposition for my two girls. There is no “one size fits all” measurement. I have provided the same parental environment, although admittedly I knew much more about what I was doing with Beth than with Amy. But still, Amy has had countless opportunities to change her approach, and she hasn’t.


On the other hand, I tell folks Beth and I are “just this side of enmeshed!” I refer to us as “The Velcro Twins”. In other words, I don’t think we could be any closer and not have it border on the pathological! I have met children who are enmeshed with their parents, and that is not healthy. There need to be clear boundaries and borders. Having clarified that, Beth and I are as close as a mother and daughter can be.

More coming...