If I knew then what I know now….

In response to my recent series about the end of my daughter’s childhood and my sadness over the outcome thus far, a reader asked a very, very good question… If I knew then what I know now, would the outcome have been different?

I can’t tell you the number of times I have asked myself this question. There is no question about the fact that I was completely clueless about attachment when Amy came home. I didn’t glue her to my hip. I didn’t push through her defenses like I might have now. I tangled over things I wouldn’t blink about now…

BUT… I did a lot of things right, too. I instinctively held her accountable. I proved I was strong enough to be her parent. I tickled her, held her, and nurtured her to the best of my ability. As time wore on and her issues continued, we tried a multitude of therapies, medications and ideas. We gave her an unbelievable amount of opportunities to make different choices. Nothing ever changed. Nothing.

As I have created wedding videos and graduation videos, I am repeatedly struck by the two types of images I see in my cache of photographs. Many, many photos of a sad, pouty-faced child, not happy with anything. And photos of the same child in Dad’s lap, Grandma’s embrace, Mom and Dad’s bed, on fun vacations (feeding chipmunks), and next to beaming and happy siblings. Some of the photos have a “smile”, but few seem genuine. There are photos of elaborate birthday cakes, inumerable handmade dresses, often matching mine (a claiming technique, although I’m not sure I knew it at the time), at dance recitals, piano lessons, and birthday parties.

I have pictures of Beth when she was “ill”, and Beth when she chose to heal. Pictures of three different kids with many different pets… Amy didn’t even realize we had pets until a few years ago! That was unbelievably hard for this veterinarian mom to comprehend!

And then, we found out some family history. I glimpsed the impact of genetics on my daughter’s behavior. And I am still trying to decide if that information should make me feel validated or depressed? Validated because it “vindicates” my inability to effect change. Depressed because the future looks grim indeed. My husband just commented yesterday that certainly we have all heard stories of kids who “fire up” later in life. My husband questioned the presence of a pilot light in our daughter. Is there a spark to ignite? I asked that in my last post… Would God create a person with no passion at all?

Lest folks think I am completely without hope, of course I am not. I will always have hope that something will change. I must have hope. But my hope over the years has taken a severe beating. It is now tempered with a huge dose of reality. And my understanding of her biology only serves to reinforce my reality. Nothing will change unless she wants it to change. No matter what therapies, conversations, medications, motivations or whatever else we offer her, nothing will change unless she wants to change. And right now she doesn’t… and based on biology, may not ever.

So the answer to the question is…. I think the outcome would have been the same. I really do.

Post script… in Beth’s case, knowing what I did when she came DID make a huge difference. Her first family didn’t know what to do… and I did. And she responded. With Amy, I didn’t do it smoothly, or in the most timely fashion, but I still provided the opportunities. And she didn’t respond.

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