Man, I guess I’m not 30 anymore. No duh, Sherlock, right? I hit the wall today and I am just so tired. I hate it when I have no energy and no motivation to do anything productive. I truly can’t imagine what it would be like to live my entire life unmotivated, uncaring and uninvolved. It has always been so difficult for me to have any comprehension of how some of our kids can live their lives in such a flatline state.


One of the many great topics I covered in my conversation with Deb Hannah yesterday was about how predictable our kids can be when it comes to accomplishing or not accomplishing their goals (or would that be our goals?) We talked about how many thousands of times, over the course of parenting our kids for one or more decades, that we had hopes and dreams for them, concrete goals we hoped they would achieve, only to watch them refuse to even try or put out much of any effort. Eventually, to protect ourselves, we find ourselves predicting their failure… and nothing makes me feel like a lousy mom more than that degree of negativity towards my child. When I said that to Deb, she replied the relationship was far from a normal mother/child relationship. True. But I still feel really sad and really unsupportive when I find myself thinking negative thoughts about one of my troubled children’s efforts to accomplish some goal. Deb expressed it very succinctly when she said we cannot invest in our children’s future any more past a certain point. When we have invested far more in them than they have ever thought about investing in themselves, it is time for us to step back. Continuing to invest in our child's future brings with it the very real possibility of more hurt and more disappointment. So to protect ourselves, we often pull back from that investment. And when we do that, it cuts both ways… we guard our hearts against more pain, but we also stifle the enthusiasm that would normally be there when one of our children succeed. (Not that we aren't glad.... just that it seems pale in comparison to what we would expect ourselves to feel.) Investment is investment… we do it or we don’t. (This is the same mechanism that allows our kids to shut down their feelings to avoid pain, but they can't do it selectively... they shut down ALL their feelings, including the good ones.)


It bothers me a great deal that I spend less time thinking about the likelihood that my daughter will succeed than I focus on the likelihood of her failing. I must be creating pretty thick walls around my heart in preparation for what her future might hold. I find that terribly sad… but I have nothing left to give in the investment department… at least not now. Not until I see that she is invested. And that was also what Deb said… we measure their level of investment in their own lives by whether or not they succeed. And their success or failure is pretty easy to ascertain. Society has some basic rules defining success… you support yourself, stay out of trouble, and ideally contribute something back to society.


This is a sad post to write and read. I am not proud of my feelings.

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